Corking the Bottle

It is more blessed to give than to receive. That's a boring old cliche, but it is still the truth. When I was a child, all that mattered at Christmas was what Santa had brought me . Birthdays were even better because it was me and me only receiving gifts from people who loved me. As an adult, I once had a friend who gave me a vase, just because he saw it and thought of me. I pretended to be grateful, but it was butt-ugly. I knew from the name on the box where he had bought it, so a few days later I exchanged it for a set of towels, which I needed and were more practical. My friend came over a couple months later. I didn't think of the vase or the towels until he asked me where I was displaying his kind gift. My face got hot. My voice failed me. Do I make up a lie or tell him the truth? I stammered around until I told the truth about what I had done with the vase he had picked out and paid for, just for me . I could tell his feelings were hurt, We made small talk briefly...

My exploration into the inner me, instigated by a desire to stay sober, has showed me I need to turn up the dial on my humility. Most of my earlier life was filled with successes in my work and personal life. I think I was an egotist. Then when my highly polished armor developed some chinks, my feelings of superiority were replaced by feelings of inferiority. A.A.'s Big Book and counselors helped me to balance the two. Accepting my fate as an alcoholic was humiliating, especially for someone like me. "...we are not human beings learning to be spiritual; we are spiritual beings learning to be human. In fact, we've found that when people are out of touch with the inner life, they are far more prone to addictions of all kinds. They only look outside themselves for gratification and validation." ( Awakening In Time , Jacquelyn Small,    https://books.google.com/books/about/Awakening_in_Time.html?id=J0hY7iqxg48C ) In God's eyes we are all equal. That realization ...

This past week has been a real beaute for me. My father-in-law died. I got a flat tire and needed my car towed to get it replaced. My cell phone died, and not all my settings, data, and contacts transferred to my new phone. Today is day 10 without a furnace with nighttime temperatures in the 30s and 40s. When I get the furnace fixed, the cost is estimated at $1,400. I  could use a stiff drink, followed by a loss of control, a blackout, a wife explosion, and a hangover that leaves me with the same original problems. Instead, I choose faith in God. "When you understand that life is a test, you realize that nothing is insignificant in your life. Even the smallest incident has significance for your character development. Every day is an important day, and every second is a growth opportunity to deepen your character, to demonstrate love, or to depend on God. Some tests seem overwhelming, while others you don't even notice. But all of them have eternal implications. "The...

My younger daughter flew in on Thursday following a training trip to New Orleans. When she left her home in Colorado Springs, she didn't expect a stopover in Louisville. She arrived with a suitcase of dirty clothes, which she immediately washed at my house. With her clothes cleaned, she was able to move on and enjoy her visit. She took care of yesterday's baggage, which is what we all need to do daily, metaphorically speaking. Going back to A.A.'s Daily Reflection from October 5, "I have more than enough to handle today, without dragging along yesterday's baggage too. I must balance today's books, if I am to have a chance tomorrow. So I ask myself if I have erred and how I can avoid repeating that particular behavior. Did I hurt anyone, did I help anyone, and why? Some of today is bound to spill over into tomorrow, but most of it need not if I make an honest daily inventory." That leads us to A.A.'s Step 10, which I try to follow at the end of ev...

I am reading Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walsh ( http://www.nealedonaldwalsch.com/ ). He writes as if he were asking God questions about living and being and then he answers them. Some of what "God" says fits my beliefs, some I don't understand, and some I reject. A.A. has taught me to respect the beliefs of others when I don't agree. We all have a right to be wrong. Including me. One part of the book speaks out to me, given I just lost my father-in-law after his long stretch of discomfort, pain, and dementia. The God in the book tells Walsh: "The entire medical profession is trained to keep people alive, rather than keeping people comfortable so they can die with dignity. "You see, to a doctor or nurse death is a failure,,,, Only to the soul is death a relief -- a release. "The greatest gift you can give the dying is to let them die in peace -- not thinking they must 'hang on,' or continue to suffer, or worry about you at ...

My father-in-law passed away a couple hours ago. He took me fishing and to sports events in Pittsburgh, even before I started dating his daughter. He has been like a father to me, particularly after my birth father died 29 years ago. Karl hasn't been well for a while, so this is sort of a good-news-bad-news story. If I hadn't stayed sober since May, this would be a good excuse to drink. "Excuse" is certainly the right word. I thank God I am sober and untempted, and can be a source of strength to my mother-in-law, my wife, and her sister. This would be a good chance to get drunk. It's an even better chance to stay sober.

This is David Clayton, age 25 of Louisville, Kentucky. I don't know him, but as Will Rogers said, "I never met a man I didn't like. For the sake of argument, I'll assume he has a job and is a contributing member of society. Today he is in jail. At 12:30 a.m. Saturday, he swerved to miss a vehicle in front of him and hit a disabled car on the side of the road. LaDavid Delorch, 35, of Louisville, had run out of gas and was sitting in car with his flashers on. He was pronounced dead at the scene. Clayton is charge with driving intoxicated, murder, and driving without insurance. "Delorch's little sister Ebony described him as a loving father, who pushed his 10-year-old son to pursue sports. "'I was numb because I felt like I was supposed to be there. He was on his way to me, and I was supposed to be there,' Delorch said. "The family says the road to healing will be difficult but with Clayton behind bars they hope it could help with t...

I remember these sappy comics running in my local paper as I was growing up. To an adolescent boy, anyway, they were sappy. My parents loved me, and I loved them. But Love with a capital L with a girl with a capital G? That seemed far away. As I am learning as an adult, that wasn't really love at all. Foreigner: "In my life there's been heartache and pain I don't know if I can face it again Can't stop now, I've traveled so far, to change this lonely life "I want to know what love is I want you to show me I want to feel what love is I know you can show me...." http://www.songlyrics.com/foreigner-feat-nate-ruess/i-want-to-know-what-love-is-lyrics/ Alcoholism. "What's love got to do with it?" Tina Turner sang. Plenty. You can't give what you don't have. Scott Peck, in The Road Less Traveled , claims, "Love is not a feeling...Love is an action, an activity." ( http://www.mscottpeck.com/ ) Dr. Peck goes on ...

I used to have lots of good reasons for drinking. All of them seemed good to me, an addict. You might have your own favorite excuses. One of mine was the belief that this time would be different. I had everything under control. I'll buy one bottle of vodka or whatever, and a drink now and then isn't going to hurt me. Sure. Like running a stop sign isn't going to hurt me. Texting while driving isn't going to hurt me. Not washing my hands after #2 isn't going to hurt me. These are examples of faulty thinking that David Burns calls "fortune telling," because I am predicting something unrealistic. In my heart of hearts I know I won't stop after one drink, especially when what's left in the bottle calls out to me. When I start drinking, my inhibitions disappear and, before I know it, I'm waking up on the floor with wet pants. How many times do I have to fortune-tell that one little drink isn't going to hurt me? I lost count. But the last...

I will be brief this morning because I am about to take a seven-hour drive to visit Mom and one, maybe two, of me three sisters. (The third lives in northern Idaho.) My family and extended family (that includes all my inlaws) have all been important through my childhood and adult growth. They all know and experienced my drinking problem. They love me just the same. Here is a passage I highlighted in Choose Joy by Kay Warren ( https://kaywarren.com ): "God is the only true source of joy. God will be there when all else is shaking. He will be there when the people you love let you down or leave you or die. He will be there when the place you thought would make you happy doesn't satisfy any longer. He will be there when the possession is lost or gets broken. He will be there when your position changes or is given to someone else. H e will be there when your personality just isn't enough." May He be with you today and every day.

* Yinz is a second-person plural pronoun used mainly in Western Pennsylvania English, most prominently in Pittsburgh....  -- Wikipedia It's Sunday; another day of NFL football. Sadly again, our local CBS affiliate thinks more people in the Louisville area want to watch the Colts than the Steelers -- even a Steelers-Bengals game like today's. I see more license plates and stickers announcing Steelers fandom around Louisville than, perhaps, every other team put together. The point is, when I can't watch the Steelers at home, I go to Buffalo Wild Wings, a chain of restaurant/bars that shows all games on large-screen TVs. I wear Steelers garb and enjoy that more people there are cheering for the Steelers than for anyone -- including the Colts. For the second time this season, my daughter is going with me. She likes football and inherited my Steelers DNA (I was born and raised near Pittsburgh). I don't know if she goes to watch the games or to keep an eye on me at the...

A few years ago, I was charged with drunk driving and spent the night on the floor in a crowded jail cell. I was humiliated and, upon release, embarrassed beyond words. I was pulled over just down the road from my house. It was late morning. I hadn't had a drink since sometime the night before. I had no way of knowing my BAC was above the .08 legal limit. I felt fine. I thought. I checked out a website this morning ( https://www.factretriever.com/drunk-driving-facts ) and learned a few things: A driver with a BAC of .08 g/dL is 11 times more likely to be in a fatal accident than a driver who has consumed no alcohol. Drugs other than alcohol (such as marijuana and cocaine) are involved in about 18% of fatal collisions, usually in combination with alcohol. Drinking just three or four beers for a 170-pound male is enough to make him too drunk to drive. For an average-size woman it may take just one to three. The country with the highest rate of drunk driving deaths is So...

"Was I being groomed for some special mission? What possible purpose could an existence like mine serve? When I wasn't drinking in crappy bars, I was home by myself reading: a life that was achingly lonely, and yet perversely designed to prevent anybody from ever getting close enough to really know me. -- Heather King, Parched That was me, all right! I discovered that quote online today.  ( https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/sobriety )   " What possible purpose could an existence like mine serve?" That's not a rhetorical question, but one I asked myself regularly. I didn't have an answer. but I had another drink to try to find one. Guess what? That never worked!" It wasn't until I tried sobriety that I found my answer. "Got never wastes a hurt! In fact, your greatest (reason for living) will likely come out of your greatest hurt.... Who could better help an alcoholic recover than someone who fought that demon and found freedom." (Ri...

I used to work with kids from financially deprived families. Some had parents lost in drugs and alcohol. Some had no idea what love was but knew something was missing in their homes. Some suffered abuse. All were growing up among classmates who lived lives that appeared better, more successful -- and unattainable. I tried to show them there were choices in life. That was tough. One girl in middle school told me the power to her house was turned off every month because her parents hadn't paid the bill. She and her younger brothers had to get ready for school in the dark, unaware of what clothes they had put on or how unkempt their hair was. Sometimes those same kids prepared for school without running water. How can one make a difference in lives like these? I tell you this because I don't really know if taking these kids to restaurants, sporting events, or even to my house, which at that time was home to a functioning model family, ever taught them there was a different way...

Life hurts, Sorry to break that to you, but it's the truth. Sometimes a Band-aide will do. Other times we need a complete shift in our view of reality. Solving problems is how God teaches us to grow spiritually. M. Scott Peck in The Road Less Traveled ( https://www.thriftbooks.com/a/m-scott-peck/199678/ )   has it right, I think. Consider this, as you think back to what made you start and continue drinking: “Many aspects of the reality of the world and of our relationship to the world are painful to us. We can understand them only through effort and suffering. All of us, to a greater or lesser extent, attempt to avoid this effort and suffering. We ignore painful aspects of reality by thrusting certain unpleasant facts out of our awareness. In other words, we attempt to defend our consciousness, our awareness, against reality. We do this by a variety of means which psychiatrists call defense mechanisms.” One defense mechanism is drinking or drugging. That’s how...

My knees are stiff these days when I go up and down steps. Crack, crack, pop! It's from running in yesteryears or from old age. I tell myself it's the former, as I grab the handrail and semi-hop when I descend. A.A.'s 12 Steps, I admit, are no easier than tangible steps. I know the cause of that pain: too many years of drinking, denying, lying, stealing.... you know the litany. In working the steps, I had to take a hard look internally and face down my personal demons. The result is a more centered individual who no longer has to hold so tight to the intangible handrail. I completed the first seven steps as an inpatient. I continually review and work at the last three. That leaves just Steps 8 and 9. In Step 8 we are supposed to make "a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all." Step 9 tells us to make "direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." (Aside:...

Yesterday's A.A. Reflection said, in part, "Some of today is bound to spill over into tomorrow, but most of it need not if I make an honest daily inventory." Step 4 of A.A.'s 12 Steps tells us to "make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." Step 10 tells us to continually "take personal inventory and when we (are) wrong, promptly (admit) it." If we leave our dirty dishes in the sink all night, they will still need washed tomorrow. If we ignore them again, they keep piling up, and the spaghetti sauce from three days ago becomes dry and harder to clean off. You may be surprised to know that "procrastination" is a four-letter word. So clean those dishes each day. Don't go to bed without taking an honest inventory of your day, and admit your wrongs. Writing down your inventory at bedtime might be helpful to you. Don't allow your kitchen sink to spill over into tomorrow. See how much better you will feel.

I have chronic leg pain. Old age? The 29 marathons and one 50-miler I ran in my days as a running addict? I'm sore these days if I stand or walk for a while. That's Pain with a capital P. Today I want to write about a different kind of pain. A regular at my noon A.A. meeting yesterday vaguely described some psychological pain she is going through, and it's becoming harder and harder to avoid relief in a bottle. I spoke up that the A.A. promises we read at every meeting are real, but they don't promise that a sober life is a painless life: 1. If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. 2. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. 3. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. 4. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. 5. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. 6. That feeling of uselessne...

Would've could've should've. Those are words that waste our time, mine included, Now that I am aware of those meaningless words, I am working to not use them. By thinking healthier, I am better able to avoid the sickness of alcoholism. I am helping my dear wife to quit with me. She is a "should've junkie:" "I should've brought a coat." "I should've ordered chicken instead of steak." "I should've worked out today." "I should've paid the bills yesterday." "I should've gone to bed earlier." And so on. You get the idea. So does David D. Burns, M.D., in The Feeling Good Handbook . ( https://feelinggood.com/  ) He identifies 10 ways to untwist your thinking. Number 8 is "The Semantic Method. Simply substitute language that is less colorful and emotionally loaded. This method is helpful for 'should statements.' Instead of telling yourself 'I shouldn't have made that mi...

I am glad my disease led me to the 12 Steps. They are the A.A.  formula for sobriety. But they are much more than that. They are a formula for living. Everyone, not just alcoholics, should embrace the 12 Steps as a tried-and-true way to live a fulfilling and spiritual life. The first step is the only one that even mentions "alcohol;" the next 11 1/2 tell us how to live. They are for everybody. THE TWELVE STEPS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS  1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shor...

May you be     Well May you be    Happy May you be   Peaceful May you be    Loved

Today I finished a four-part series about mindfulness. The leaders define mindfulness as "Paying attention here and now with kindness and curiosity and then choosing your behavior." The messages in the class led me places I have already been trying to reach as I maintain sobriety. Staying sober means so much more than not drinking. For me, it has spirited me to finding a new me. It is avoiding negativity and depression and embracing joy through my higher power I call God. This poem handed to us today is a perfect description of my addiction and relapse. Have you reached Chapter Five with me? There's a Hole in My Sidewalk Autobiography in Five Short Chapters By Portia Nelson       Chapter One I Walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost ... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out. Chapter Two I Walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend that I don't ...