Corking the Bottle

God led me to A.A., then A.A. led me to God.

Rumination is an unhealthy response to stress. It's an inability to let go of something, which can lead to depression, which can lead to withdrawal from other people. For more, listen to Dr. Ramani Durvasula,  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4E2JzmIraw . She goes on to say that normal anxiety is a fear of something that is real. Being afraid of snarling dogs is not anxiety; it's a normal response. Likeways, being anxious during a pandemic is normal. Don't sweat it. Accept it, Ask God to help you control the feelings you can control and give you the serenity to accept those things you have absolutely no control over. Feeling in control can mean avoiding the temptation to self-medicate with alcohol. If you are anxious about getting sick, about your elderly parents getting sick, about the loss of a job, about a dried-up bank account, these feelings are normal. No one, including you, is to blame. A video by Dr. Tracey Marks ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtZaMdOy4K8 )...

Alcoholics Anonymous is a church, only freeer. "Freeer?" "More free" sounds better. Either way, I've come to see many similarities between A.A. and church congregations, but with important differences, too. In A.A., people come from different economic status, different races, different life stories, different backgrounds. Churches are like that too, but sadly some don't provide the diversity of A.A. Both are (or think they are) cordial and welcoming, and members attend for one reason: sobriety for one, worship for the other. Both preach helping others. Singleness of purpose (a Higher Power) glues both groups together. But A.A. and churches have some differences, for sure. A.A. has no structure, no hierarchical leadership, no paid positions. If A.A. were to tighten its ropes, it would lose the casual feel that cries, "Keep coming back." Churches have a way of complicating things. A.A. tells us to love God and people, act justly, lo...

Coronavirus doesn't exist. Think positively. If there is a coronavirus, it will go away without affecting me, my family, or my friends. That's what I call "positive thinking." In reality, that's what I call hogwash. Wait. I do believe in positive thinking. But what exists in my "Pleasantville" doesn't exist in Louisville.  People get sick. Divorce happens. Domestic violence exists. The police shot and killed someone's brother, son, and maybe father downtown yesterday because he pulled a weapon on police. Bad stuff like covid-19 exists. So do rainbows and butterflies. God gets us through the bad stuff and enables us to enjoy the good stuff. He tests us in many ways. My alcoholism was a test. It wasn't God's will, but He used my addiction to make me a better person once I emerged from the darkness of the disease. Have faith in a Higher Power, and this too will pass. I opened up a book I read sometime back and came across a passage ...

My friend Woody directed me to this reminder in Facebook. It applies to struggling alcoholics, quarantined pandemic victims, lonely shut-ins, and all people all the time. Don't lose sight of the wonderful gifts God gives us every day. The rest of this article is worth reading as long as you don't get sick of scrolling through the ads.   https://iheartintelligence.com/always-be-grateful-for-what-you-have-no-matter-how-hard-life-gets/?fb=iis&fbclid=IwAR3RiXRnZilGasb_DQ4mrr41fZNVciI0TkK3lBMt3AFgF53_WNooweTKCw8 ...There are people around us who love and support us unconditionally. We have a family that stands by us from the very beginning of our lives. What’s more, we have friends who will always be there for us, no matter what. All of these loving human beings around us are the greatest treasure we can ask for. They give us strength, they give us love, they give us reasons to be alive. We should be grateful for each and every one of them....

I am taking advantage of staying put so I don't participate in spreading the coronavirus, in part, by watching TV shows I've recorded. This afternoon, it's the 1935 version of A Tale of Two Cities . After being acquitted for treason, Charles Darnay dines with his defense lawyer, a drunk named Sydney Carton, and asks him why drink so much. Carton says, "You are smug, Mr Darnay, to ask why people drink, but I will tell you. So that they can stand their fellow men better. And after a few bottles, I might even like you." I can identify. I found little quarrel with others during and after drinking. Some drunks are fighters, some are lovers. I clearly was the latter. Now sober, I find God to be a much better catalyst to tolerate my fellow men. God wants us to love everyone, even those hard to love. Since I seek to do God's will, I now find it easy to care about others; maybe even "stand (my) fellow men."

We all know alcoholics who have gotten well. I hope you are one. I am one. At least so far today I am. Several years ago, I spent 28 days at a residential treatment program. One of our facilitators claimed that 95% of us would return to drinking. I scoffed. Not me. But I did. Then I discovered a new way of life and a new way to see myself and my environment. Praise God for that! A.A. meetings put me in touch with other alcoholics on the road to recovery. One of those joyful travelers asked why some people get well and others don't. We decided the answer lies in a phrase from the Big Book that is part of every pre-meeting ritual: "...God could and would if He were sought." I used to think God chose me to get well because He has important things for me to do. But in reality, I chose me to recover. He does have important things for me to do, but I had to pick myself out of the gutter first. The key words from the Big Book quote are, "if He were sought." ...

Woe is me. I'm having a bad day. I was scheduled to have knee replacement surgery this week, but I was diagnosed with a staph infection on my hip. I don't know where that came from, but it means my surgery is postponed. Some days my knee isn't too bad. But on others, like today, it's hard to walk. Furthermore, I decided last week to stop going to A.A. meetings so I won't catch or pass the coronavirus. I texted my sponsor a moment ago to alert him that I don't plan to attend meetings for a while. I promised to call if I get a craving to drink. I don't expect that to happen. I haven't been tempted since my sobriety date last May. A.A. helps with that. Writing this blog helps. God helps me even more. I pray often to do His will through me. I'm fairly certain His will isn't for me to relapse. I am more-or-less homebound for now because it hurts to walk and I don't want to catch the coronavirus. I'm curious, dear readers, if yo...

Comments at the A.A. meeting I attended Thursday night got me to thinking about the coronavirus and how it might be particularly hazardous to us alcoholics. For example, I used to be an impulse drinker. Even though I was trying to stop, I could find excuses to buy another bottle. The coronavirus seems like a good excuse to people who may be like I was. "What the heck. I might get sick. I might be quarantined. I might choose on my own to stay home away from people. So I might as well stock up with whiskey and drink my way through the pandemic." My Thursday meeting was poorly attended. It might have been the storms in the area at the same time. Maybe people were staying away from others to avoid illness. What I do know is that a week ago we had more at that meeting than ever before. I hear many alcoholics say they have to go to A.A. to stay well-grounded and sober. What will happen to such people if others stop going? More likely, what if churches where some meetings a...

"We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not." --The Big  Book, page 58 I didn't want to go to A.A meetings or work steps or turn my will and my life over to the care of God. It must be easier to control my drinking. I didn't want to stop. I tried limiting my drinking only to weekends. That didn't work. I tried limiting my drinking only to weekdays. That didn't work either. I tried drinking only late at night after my wife went to bed. I tried drinking only in the mornings when my wife was at work so that I could sober up and not smell like vodka when she came home. Those tries weren't easier or softer. For a while I drank only on days ending with Y. I drank only when my sports teams won. That didn't work. I drank only when my sports teams lost. That didn't work, especially during Pirates baseball season when I found myself drinking almost every day. I drank only when it rained or only when it didn't. I drank...

"What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can faith save him?...You  believe that there is one God.... But do you want to know, O foolish man, that faith, without works, is dead ?" --James 2: 14, 19-20 I wanted a sandwich for lunch today. I prayed for it and, because I feel like I have a close relationship with God, I had faith he would deliver me my sandwich. But no matter how much faith I have, God is no Jimmy John's. I had to rise from my chair, find my keys and wallet, and drive to the store. I told the man at the counter what I wanted, and he gave it to me. I had faith that he would and he did. But I had to take action to get that sandwich. Yes, someone would have delivered it, but that would have taken a phone call. Again, faith, without the work, doesn't put lunch in my belly. Are you praying for sobriety? Keep praying as you walk past the liquor store. Without action -- without attending A.A. meetings, wi...

I drank to avoid my sadness and the too-rapid changes in my life. It felt good. I laughed at what used to make me cry. Drinking was fun, and I enjoyed fun. If it gave me pleasure, I concluded it would give me pleasure again. And again. And again. That's how this addict was created. I enjoyed drinking and I never wanted to stop. To stop meant discomfort and the return of the sadness I drank to avoid. I needed more and more alcohol to get that same enjoyment. Eventually, no amount brought enjoyment, just sadness all over again. Ultimately, I found God. It was He who removed my sadness. I rediscovered myself, but this was a new self. Socrates said it well: "I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again." Now I won't do it again. Socrates also said, "The more I know, the more I realize I know nothing." I wish I had been wiser before alcohol took over. In sobriety, I realize I know...

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." If there is a God, why would He allow me to drink uncontrollably? When I asked for help to stop, why was there no answer? Why did He watch my life deteriorate to the point of harmful self-medication? Where is God's love? Where is the joy and peace and serenity I supposedly had been promised? The flip response is, "Don't give up hope." Now you say, "I had hope, but disappointments and time made it all run out. Then I say, "Hope is only a word if you take no action to see A.A.'s promises come true. Don't give up. Don't ever give up." But you turn away and quit looking for God: "It's hopeless." If such frustration is your's read the Big Book, from the bottom of page 37 to page 43. I can't do those pages justice by summarizing them here, so read them if you have your doubts about a higher power. Nevertheless, ...

If you're as old as I am, you might remember a time back in the hippie days when the country was fighting a winless war and our leaders were being assassinated and peace rallies turned into riots. We heard the cry many times from many places: God is dead! It seemed as though the world was out of control. The captain of the ship had stepped away from the wheel and we were sinking. There were no lifeboats, just sandbags. I was a kid then. I thought that's the way our existence would be forever. I knew no other social environment. Maybe, I wondered, God really is dead. I know better now. Sometimes God does step away from the wheel. That's the way my dad taught me to ride a bike: by holding me up and then, without a word, letting me pedal on my own while staying a safe distance behind to catch me. The following is from a book, Coming Clean , by Seth Haines ( https://modernmrsdarcy.com/books/coming-clean-a-story-of-faith/ ). The passage is a little long for this blog ...

I have an A.A. friend who is a murderer. I'll call him Fred. He isn't afraid to talk about what he did. It's probably good therapy. I'm going to tell an abbreviated version of his story here that's meant to be a disincentive to drive drunk and to drink at all, period. Fred woke up one day in a hospital. He had been in a coma and couldn't remember anything. He was told he had been in a serious car accident, but he could remember nothing about it. Then they told them a person in the other car died. When Fred was discharged from the hospital, he was taken straight to jail, then convicted. He served 11 years in prison. Worse than that, he took a life and permanently changed the lives of the victim's family and friends. He didn't say if the deceased was man or woman, young or old, a parent, a knowledgeable worker someplace.... But it was a snuffed-out life caused by another's drinking. I feel sorry for Fred. He has to carry that guilt with him th...

I went to church last Sunday. A woman from a halfway house who designated me as her life coach wanted me to go with her and her father. I don't know if I will go again this week. Maybe if I am invited. Definitely not if I'm not asked. It's a Baptist church, very well attended last week. Sure, people were nice. But only three welcomed me and introduced themselves. Of course I didn't approach them. I was a stranger playing on their home field. A.A. people are more friendly. Maybe because it's not a clique. Maybe because we know we automatically have something in common. We all are there for the same reason. Correct me if I am wrong, but church people are church people for various reasons. Some are there to praise and thank God. Some are there for the music, some for the sermon. Others want to socialize. Some want to be seen. Some seek forgiveness, some give gratitude to the Lord. There are those who don't give God much thought until same time next week. ...

I love. Not always, but I love: my wife, my kids, my extended family. Those are unconditional loves, and I hope and believe they are two-way streets. I used to think I loved my neighbor as myself. But after self-reflection following my return to sobriety, I'm not sure I was in  reality traveling that road. I was so in love with myself, I see now, that it was hard to love my neighbor as much. Now that I have turned my life around and allowed God to turn my head around, I can see that I loved only if I felt loved. I gave lip service to love and it felt genuine. But I didn't know what I didn't know. Now my love is about God. God loves me, and His will is that I share His love with others. All others. Surprisingly, I find that easy to do. I don't have to love people for their actions. But I love them because they were created by God the same as I was, and that kind of love now comes naturally. Just as much as I love, I crave to be loved. When I feel God's lo...

I was baptised and raised in a Presbyterian church, and continued to attend when I moved away to Idaho and Washington. I don't go anymore. I find the similarities between church and A.A. to be curious. Going to church and going to A.A. bring people with similar beliefs together with mostly the same goal in mind: To serve and to help others and to find God. There's a fellowship in both, even though attendees come from differing backgrounds. (When I was growing up, our congregation was professional and white, and that includes the college students who walked from nearby. My perception is that churches are more diverse, as A.A. is, these days.) The big difference I see is that A.A. doesn't tell you what you have to believe in. Churches insist the bible is the word of God, despite various interpretations of scripture. Believe as they do, or your next stop is hell. A.A. says believe in whatever works for you. I like that. I have formed solid beliefs about our spiritual se...

Most of what I read these days is an effort to learn more about myself, about others, and about my higher power I call God. In Sacred Rest ( https://www.faithwords.com/titles/dr-saundra-dalton-smith/sacred-rest/9781478921660/ ) Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith tells about a patient she once treated. The woman had cut her wrists. "Large brown eyes were not looking at me; they were looking into me.... 'Do you sometimes feel invisible too?' ... I had never cut my wrist, but I was the same as her. I too was medicating my loneliness. Not through cuts and self-mutilation, but through my own vices. While she resorted to a blade, my weapon of choice left little evidence of a problem. While she sought relief in watching the blood running down her arms, I sought relief in hiding behind a mask of perceived normalcy." Many who cut their wrists are seeking to end their numbness. Some do it for attention. I chose to hide loneliness and sadness by drinking them away, rather than ...

I heard this Pink Floyd song during my bleak college days. I wished it were true, but it didn't apply to me. Not then. Not until I was about 50 or so. That's when I made it, I thought: "I had become comfortably numb." I drank beyond being comfortably numb. I blacked out. I lost control. I was blessed through my first 50 years. Then one by one, the things in my life I cherished, that had made me feel blessed, eroded until I was left with depression and anxiety. And alcohol. "When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse Out of the corner of my eye. I turned to look, but it was gone. I cannot put my finger on it now. The child is grown; The dream is gone. I have become comfortably numb." Thanks to God for giving me my feeling back.