Corking the Bottle

Woe is me. I'm having a bad day. I was scheduled to have knee replacement surgery this week, but I was diagnosed with a staph infection on my hip. I don't know where that came from, but it means my surgery is postponed. Some days my knee isn't too bad. But on others, like today, it's hard to walk. Furthermore, I decided last week to stop going to A.A. meetings so I won't catch or pass the coronavirus. I texted my sponsor a moment ago to alert him that I don't plan to attend meetings for a while. I promised to call if I get a craving to drink. I don't expect that to happen. I haven't been tempted since my sobriety date last May. A.A. helps with that. Writing this blog helps. God helps me even more. I pray often to do His will through me. I'm fairly certain His will isn't for me to relapse. I am more-or-less homebound for now because it hurts to walk and I don't want to catch the coronavirus. I'm curious, dear readers, if yo...

Comments at the A.A. meeting I attended Thursday night got me to thinking about the coronavirus and how it might be particularly hazardous to us alcoholics. For example, I used to be an impulse drinker. Even though I was trying to stop, I could find excuses to buy another bottle. The coronavirus seems like a good excuse to people who may be like I was. "What the heck. I might get sick. I might be quarantined. I might choose on my own to stay home away from people. So I might as well stock up with whiskey and drink my way through the pandemic." My Thursday meeting was poorly attended. It might have been the storms in the area at the same time. Maybe people were staying away from others to avoid illness. What I do know is that a week ago we had more at that meeting than ever before. I hear many alcoholics say they have to go to A.A. to stay well-grounded and sober. What will happen to such people if others stop going? More likely, what if churches where some meetings a...

This is a challenging post to write. If I tell the whole story, I will threaten the anonymity of an A.A.newcomer. But I'm going to try, because the serendipity with which God works is blatantly obvious in what is happening in her life. I was friends with a family 20 years ago. More precisely, I had a love and concern for the children, who I saw growing up in a high-risk environment. I later watched the kids pass into adulthood from a distance, with occasional contact with some who demonstrated sad results of their troubled childhoods. I didn't come to know one of the kids because she was just a baby then, waddling through the house wearing only a diaper -- or less. Later, I heard some heart-breaking, second- and third-hand stories about her as she grew. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..." She and her siblings were among those "things." Through Facebook, her father confided concerns for the now-young woman. She came up ...

If you find yourself digging a deeper and deeper hole, the logical first step is to get rid of the shovel. Then you can plan how to get out. "You hit bottom when you stop digging," the Big Book says on page 325. As long as that shovel was available, however, I was determined  to keep digging. I didn't really want to stop, even though I told others I did. A narrative in the Big Book, "It might Have Been Worse," describes our predicament. "Again I promised to do something about it (drinking). Broken promises, humiliation, hopelessness, worry, anxiety -- but still not enough (to make me lay down my shovel).... "Like all alcoholics I wanted to handle my problem my own way, which really meant I didn't want anything to interfere with my drinking. I was trying to find an easier, softer way." Right in front of me was God. He had been there the hole time, waiting for me to find the answers on my own. He isn't an easier, softer answer, bu...

Kathy and I went camping last week at Spring Mill State Park in southern Indiana. It gets its name from the mill there that has operated since the 19th Century, powered by a spring that flows from a cave at the upper end of a flume. Such mills grind grain between two millstones: "a pair of circular stones between which grain or another substance is ground." The name of the lodge at the park is called The Millstone. But millstone has another definition: "any heavy mental or emotional burden (often used in the phrase a millstone around one's neck)." I went to school with a girl named Millstone. Even back then I thought that was an unfortunate surname. But change the "l" to an "e" and the word becomes "milestone, which is something very different. A milestone is "a significant event or stage in life, progress, development, or the like of a person. nation, etc." Drinking was my millstone until I got the "l" away f...

Jim says some clever things at my home A.A. meetings. I don't know if he reads them, hears them from others, or if he is really this clever. He called A.A. "the biggest organization no one ever wanted to come to." He's right. I sure didn't want to be a member. I resisted attending meetings for a long time until I felt like my marriage was about to be hammered, as I was. So I tried it. At my first meeting, the man next to me introduced me to the Big Book and paid halves for me. When I heard about sponsors, he agreed to be mine. When the leader asked if anyone was at his first A.A. meeting, I raised my hand and announced, "I'm Dan and I'm an alcoholic." Those there applauded and many introduced themselves to me and welcomed me after the meeting. It took me a few years of meetings and relapses before I found the road I'm on now, but A.A. members have been a help to me. I hope I have been a help to some of them. This is the kindest group...

My problem was -- and always will be -- I don't know what I don't know. When I was starting out in my career, I made a lot of mistakes. Why? Because I didn't know. For instance, I thought my view of things was the right and only way. If only I could show others the way I was thinking, they would see I was right and would abandon their misconceptions. Even in high school, as editor of the school paper, I could fix things with a well-worded editorial. What's wrong with people who didn't see the errors of their thought process? It was that way with my drinking problem. I didn't know what I didn't know. I can do this, I thought. Mind over matter. I only will drink after 9 p.m. Easy. But home by myself all day and nowhere to go, why not start early? Just a little to ease my aloneness. Okay, so that didn't work. So I will only drink on weekends while I am watching sports on TV. But I found instant replays in the bottom of my glass. Okay, so that did...

I see this TV commercial a lot: "Foundation problems don't get better with time. If you're experiencing cracks in brick, cracks in block, cracks in drywall, or cracks around doors or windows, call...." My foundation used to be cracked, and it didn't get any better with time. That is, until I found God, went to A.A. meetings, worked the Twelve Steps, and read the Big Book and other mental health/spirituality books. Now I have no cracks in my mortar. Well, I have a few. But overall, my foundation is stronger now. The reason for abusing alcohol and other substances is a weak foundation. Whatever you try won't work until you build a sturdy foundation. That takes work. That takes support from others. That means having a dependable contractor (sponsor). If you have cracks in your foundation (And who doesn't?) patch them. Start now. It takes time to identify them and then make needed repairs.

“The mentality and behavior of drug addicts and alcoholics is wholly irrational until you understand that they are completely powerless over their addiction and unless they have structured help, they have no hope.” ―  Russell Brand "Structured help" may take many forms that can be different for different people. In my case, the help has been A.A., 12 Steps, my sponsor, group therapy, a psychiatrist, a therapist, God, exercise, and my caring wife.

(First published June 14, 2018 and edited today) I'm not very handy when it comes to fixing stuff. At one time, my excuse was no good tools. Now I have plenty of tools and no legitimate excuses. Repairs may take me a long time, but I can only blame lack of knowledge or lack of effort when I fail. I've got plenty of tools in ye olde toolbox. Same thing when it comes to drinking. I'm not so handy when it comes to fixing myself. But when I mess up, I don't degrade myself. I add another tool and sometimes get rid of the ones that aren't helping me. I started off going to A.A. meetings once in a while and going to a local government-supported therapy program. I soon found I needed more than those two tools alone. My toolbox is now full. I regularly: Have a sponsor. See a psychiatrist. See a therapist who exchanges notes with the psychiatrist. Take antidepressants and 500 mg of Antabuse, which is supposed to make me sick if I put alcohol into my system. Sti...

Marty told a good story yesterday at A.A. It shows us that resentments are in the eye of the beholder. He was driving his business' truck somewhere and picked up a call from the dispatcher. He asked, "Are you all right, Marty?" He said he was. "Is anything wrong?" No, why? "Someone called and said your truck was weaving." Of all the nerve! That guy should be minding his own business. As Marty thought about it, the resentment built to a breaking point. How dare someone report him when he was driving just fine! Marty called his sponsor and related the story about the busy-body. The sponsor replied, "Did you get fired?" No. "Did you have a wreck?" No. "Did you run over someone?" No. "Did you have a personal injury?" No. "Then why are you resentful? Maybe the person who made the call was concerned about your safety and the safety of others. He did you a favor. Maybe he did a favor to others on the...

Step 9: "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." I struggled with this until my sponsor advised me to make my amends when doing so made sense, not necessarily on some preconceived occasion where bringing up past hurts would be awkward for all. So I made amends in my blog post here Thursday to any schoolmates I may have verbally bullied. I wrote on a high school group Facebook page: "I hope my blog post today (December 6) will begin to make amends to those in high school I put down or ignored. I am so sorry I wasn't nicer to all. You can see my apology at corkingthebottle.blogspot.com ." Beaver Falls, PA I was nervous about opening this can of worms. But I needn't have worried. Here are comments I received: Tremendous courage Dan. A great model to emulate. Risks bring joyful rewards! We all have a past. You express great maturity and maturity by others will be seen in their grace and ...

Let's consider today the paradox of giving up alcohol. No one could make me quit. I had to have the desire to do it and then accept the guidance of A.A. and therapists. Yesterday's Daily Reflection called sobriety "an individual adventure, something which each one of us works out in his own way." True, but I can't do it myself. I need a sponsor. I need the support of other recovering alcoholics. I need the care and concern of my family. In my case, I need medication, professional therapists, psychiatrists, and a month of in-patient rehab. See the paradox? Recovery is an individual thing that we can't do alone.

My knees are stiff these days when I go up and down steps. Crack, crack, pop! It's from running in yesteryears or from old age. I tell myself it's the former, as I grab the handrail and semi-hop when I descend. A.A.'s 12 Steps, I admit, are no easier than tangible steps. I know the cause of that pain: too many years of drinking, denying, lying, stealing.... you know the litany. In working the steps, I had to take a hard look internally and face down my personal demons. The result is a more centered individual who no longer has to hold so tight to the intangible handrail. I completed the first seven steps as an inpatient. I continually review and work at the last three. That leaves just Steps 8 and 9. In Step 8 we are supposed to make "a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all." Step 9 tells us to make "direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." (Aside:...

I hope this series of blog posts will enable you to recognize some symptoms of relapse. I meant well and tried hard, but I kept relapsing anyway. There was often a nagging little voice telling me to go ahead and try a drink. Maybe this series of blog posts will help you or a loved one break out of the relapse pattern sooner and easier than I did. Terence T. Gorski, co-author of  Staying Sober , identified 11 phases of relapse in his book Staying Sober ( https://www.amazon.com/Terence-T.-Gorski/e/B001JSA9K8 ). I hope you will find this series helpful enough to review again and again -- at once or in parts. An idea might be to checkmark symptoms in the 11 phases to see if you or a loved one is in danger of relapsing. Then take action. Gorski's research involved 118 recovering patients who had four things in common: They completed a 21- or 28-day rehab program; They recognized they could never again safely use alcohol; They intended to remain sober forever through A.A. and ou...

I asked for my sponsor's help. I confessed I never worked Steps 8 and 9. It's about time I finally do. He and are meeting Monday after A.A. Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Step 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. I am afraid to do that. I can list people I have harmed, I think. But how do I go to these people and scoop old garbage out of the can? This is where I need my sponsor's guidance. Not just guidance, but a strong shove. I asked God to remove my shortcomings back in Step 7. Cleaning off the noses I bloodied makes Step 9 harder than that. Also, what are amends? The Big Book talks of them. But how do I pay back people like my wife? It isn't just forgiveness I need to seek. But how do I do penance for all the anxiety I put her through? Still, I need to do it somehow, Today's A.A, Daily Reflections explains why: "...

The Bible says, " For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven." (Ecclesiastes, 3:1) My season is winter. It's hard for me to run anymore. Or go down steps without a handrail. My daughters are approaching middle age. It's still summer for them, but autumn isn't far away. My hands are stiff with arthritis. Even interesting TV shows put me to sleep. I forget stuff, but I remember when we had no personal computers or cell phones. Or blogs. Yeah, winter is setting in all right. I was in just 32 when the Bangles sang, "Look around. Leaves are brown. And the sky is a hazy shade of winter." Now I know what that means. But now doesn't have to be the winter of our discontent. (I tinkered with Gloucester's quote from Richard III.) This season has given me a new look at life. I found God, and then He led me to sobriety. That changed everything. I have an opportunity to influence alcoholics and others. I'm pleased w...