Corking the Bottle

I need today to divert today from my usual theme of sobriety and seeking a higher power. Instead, I will share a passage from The Endless Practice , by Mark Nepo ( https://www.amazon.com/Mark-Nepo/e/B001JOVBDG?ref_=dbs_p_pbk_r00_abau_000000 ). I don't know what he was trying to say, but he hit a bullseye in today's battle against coronavirus. This is dedicated to doctors, nurses, paramedics, firefighters, and others who are on the front line battling covid-19. "That we go numb along the way is to be expected. Even the bravest among us who give their lives to care for others, go numb with fatigue when the heart can take in no more, when we need time to digest all we meet. Overloaded and overwhelmed, we start to pull back from the world, so we can internalize what the world keeps giving us. Perhaps the noblest private act is the unheralded effort to return: to open our hearts once they have closed, to open our souls once they have shied away, to soften our minds once...

Coronavirus doesn't exist. Think positively. If there is a coronavirus, it will go away without affecting me, my family, or my friends. That's what I call "positive thinking." In reality, that's what I call hogwash. Wait. I do believe in positive thinking. But what exists in my "Pleasantville" doesn't exist in Louisville.  People get sick. Divorce happens. Domestic violence exists. The police shot and killed someone's brother, son, and maybe father downtown yesterday because he pulled a weapon on police. Bad stuff like covid-19 exists. So do rainbows and butterflies. God gets us through the bad stuff and enables us to enjoy the good stuff. He tests us in many ways. My alcoholism was a test. It wasn't God's will, but He used my addiction to make me a better person once I emerged from the darkness of the disease. Have faith in a Higher Power, and this too will pass. I opened up a book I read sometime back and came across a passage ...

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." If there is a God, why would He allow me to drink uncontrollably? When I asked for help to stop, why was there no answer? Why did He watch my life deteriorate to the point of harmful self-medication? Where is God's love? Where is the joy and peace and serenity I supposedly had been promised? The flip response is, "Don't give up hope." Now you say, "I had hope, but disappointments and time made it all run out. Then I say, "Hope is only a word if you take no action to see A.A.'s promises come true. Don't give up. Don't ever give up." But you turn away and quit looking for God: "It's hopeless." If such frustration is your's read the Big Book, from the bottom of page 37 to page 43. I can't do those pages justice by summarizing them here, so read them if you have your doubts about a higher power. Nevertheless, ...

Many enter A.A. afraid of the steps that relate to God, a Higher Power. As I think back, it seems to me I always had a Higher Power. That Higher Power was me. I had control of my life and most of the things that happened to me. At least I told myself I did. I tried to exercise power over my family and others and came to feel that if they didn't recognize my power, it must be proof of their own weakness. Thankfully, that's an exaggeration. Yeah, I had a superiority complex, but I knew I wasn't God. I use this hyperbole (I hope it's hyperbole!) to make a point.  Alcoholics working the steps have to believe in a power greater than themselves. With no power above them, it means they must have been responsible for creating the earth, breathing life into the lungs of all creatures, and giving birth to Jesus, who needed paddling and time-outs often while growing up. Hyperbole again. But here's the thing: Did God, the creator, die and leave the universe on autopilot...

Let's take a statement out of context. "Everything I needed was provided." After you got sober and stayed sober, is this a statement that pertains to you? Does your Higher Power give you everything you need? If not, what is missing? What do you need -- I repeat, need -- in your life you are not receiving? I thought about this, and you know, I can't think of  a thing I need that isn't already mine. Christmas is two weeks from today. I expect to find things I can use under the tree, but nothing in the wrapping will be anything I need . Realizing that all my needs are being met adds to my peace and serenity. Maybe it helps that I live in a nice house with plenty to eat, a warm bed at night, a loving family, two cars, a cell phone, yada yada. But what about the man living under a highway? If he is a recovering alcoholic or former addict and now uses no more, is God meeting his needs? Hmmm, That sounds like something worth some research. Is the recovering alc...

If you find yourself digging a deeper and deeper hole, the logical first step is to get rid of the shovel. Then you can plan how to get out. "You hit bottom when you stop digging," the Big Book says on page 325. As long as that shovel was available, however, I was determined  to keep digging. I didn't really want to stop, even though I told others I did. A narrative in the Big Book, "It might Have Been Worse," describes our predicament. "Again I promised to do something about it (drinking). Broken promises, humiliation, hopelessness, worry, anxiety -- but still not enough (to make me lay down my shovel).... "Like all alcoholics I wanted to handle my problem my own way, which really meant I didn't want anything to interfere with my drinking. I was trying to find an easier, softer way." Right in front of me was God. He had been there the hole time, waiting for me to find the answers on my own. He isn't an easier, softer answer, bu...

I used to think too much. What are my priorities at work tomorrow? How do I fill my days productively now that I am retired early? Am I drinking too much? Why am I drinking too much? Do I want to quit? How am I supposed to put up with my wife who is always on my back? Why doesn't my daughter speak to me any more? How can I be healthy by drinking myself into oblivion? " I wandered from room to room, thinking, drinking, drinking, thinking.... I never know which came first, the thinking or the drinking. If I could only stop thinking, I wouldn't drink. If I could only stop drinking, maybe I wouldn't think. But they were all mixed up together, and I was all mixed up inside." (The Big Book, "The Housewife Who Drank at Home," page 297) My, my, my! It's relaxing now to let God handle the thinking. I ask Him to help me do His will, whatever His will might be. And then I'm done. What else is there to think about? In the words of the immortal Alfred ...

Today's A.A. Daily Reflection is about prayer. I never pray on my knees. I no longer pray with eyes closed, head bowed, or hands folded. I learned those acts of devotion in church as a wee lad. Now I'm not a wee lad and I don't go to church, for several reasons I won't go into now. Instead, my higher power is part of my unconscious, just as he is in you and in everyone through Jung's theory of collective unconscious. That's how God knows our thoughts and hears our silent prayers. I pray throughout the day, sometimes silently and, when it  won't embarrass me, out loud. God is like the invisible friend I had when I was little. Heck, maybe I was in touch with God then and Loodie was in reality God. It's not preposterous. If you can believe there was no such thing as women until God took Adam's rib and added meat and skin to it, then grant me the privilege to believe God's home is in all of our minds. I'll close by pasting below the quota...

Hoo boy! What did I do last night? What did I say and to whom did I say it? The following is from a blog, My Life After AA, that I like. I left the run-on sentence in the second paragraph intact. LOL "When we think about our active days of alcoholism how many times did we wake up the next morning worrying oh boy what did we say?  Were we guilty of those 'loose lips?' Probably more than we care to admit. We used to say mouth in gear brain in neutral which in the vernacular helps explain how our thoughts and actions and our mouths operated when the social lubricant, alcohol, roamed about freely in our bloodstream. Today we know better most of the time. Of course there will be exceptions now that we have joined the world of the earthlings but every now and then those “loose lips” may come back to bite us. Fortunately today we have our wits and can make immediate amends and are spared a longer embarrassment.   "I am so grateful that my Higher Power has given me t...

"The circle stands for the whole world of A.A., and the triangle stands for A.A.'s Three Legacies of Recovery, Unity, and Service. Within our wonderful new world, we have found freedom from our fatal obsession." -- A.A. Comes of Age I don't think I've written yet about how A.A. reminds me of church, but with one important difference. A.A. members come together to help themselves and to serve others. Church members do the same -- in theory at least. I would go on with the comparison, but I hope brevity will keep you reading to the end. The biggest difference between A.A. and church, in my mind, is that A.A. encourages us to worship a higher power: our higher power. Church tells us what we are supposed to believe. Now for the circle: A.A. and churches are like a second family to those of us involved. The circle, and the family, cannot be broken. There is no beginning and no end. Not anger nor hostilities can damage it. In my case, family is a big part of my ...

To give up our addicted ways requires a close relationship with a higher power. If I could think of a stronger word than "close" I would use it. "Intimate" maybe? When that bond is formed it is life-changing. If you have experienced such a rebirth, you know what I mean. I sometimes quote The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck.( https://www.seeken.org/the-road-less-traveled-summary/ ) Here is his view of rebirth, the kind we feel when we find God and stop drinking (pages 250-251): "We are always either less or more competent than we believe ourselves to be. The unconscious, however, knows who we really are. A major and essential task in the process of one's spiritual development is the continuous work of bringing one's conscious self-concept into progressively greater congruence with reality. When a large part of this lifelong task is accomplished with relative rapidity, as it may be through intensive psychotherapy, the individual will feel 're...

(This was originally posted on June 15, 2018.) I had a Sunday School teacher when I was in high school who believed the Bible was the infallible word of God, no questions asked. That kind of blind belief was met by teenage doubts and questioning. One Sunday, she left the room to let us discuss "firing" her. We did. Our new teacher allowed us to openly discuss Bible stories, what they meant, and if they were literally true. I never lost my faith in a higher power, but I never found Him/Her, for example, as the one who flooded the entire earth except for Noah and his arkful. Today's A.A. Daily Reflection says, "I couldn't accept the concept of a Higher Power because I believed God was cruel and unloving. In desperation I chose a table, a tree, then my A.A. group, as my Higher Power. Time passed, my life improved, and I began to wonder about this Higher Power. Gradually, with patience, humility and a lot of questions, I came to believe in God. Now my relations...

Pennsylvania, where I was born and raised, calls itself The Keystone State, because people believed that, like a keystone, Pennsylvania held the other 12 states together. Today's A.A. Daily Reflection ( https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/daily-reflection ) calls Step 3 the keystone step. "The 'other pieces' are Steps One, Two, and Four through Twelve. In one sense this sounds like Step Three is the most important Step, that the other eleven depend on the third for support. In reality however, Step Three is just one of the twelve. It is the keystone...." But without Step 3, no full recovery from alcoholism can be made. I think that is right. Turning our will and our lives over to the care of God or to our higher power is essential to recovery. It also is essential to the lives of everybody , alcoholic or addict or not. Trust God. Follow His will. You will find that life is better that way. He knows what is best for our lives.

What if I were out with a group of friends. I never hung out in bars, so let's say I am on a trail in the woods with the hiking group I have trekked with before. One of them introduces me to someone new. We lag at the back of  the pack, talking sports and hobbies and interests. After we spend time together, this man I thought was a friend suddenly sneered, "I am going to control your life." What would you do in a similar situation? Would you agree to meet after the hike to see what he means? Would you scoff and tell yourself you never would agree to something so ridiculous? Would you distance yourself from this awful person? Or maybe you would say, "Sure! While you're at it, I will divorce my wife, give up my kids, leave my job, and enable you to be my higher power." You can see what I am getting at. I made friends with alcohol and let it control my life. How stupid I was! I made a mistake. I lost money and self esteem to enable -- actually, invite -- ...

Tom at A.A. recently confessed. Not to a priest. Far from it. He admitted to us that he once was an agnostic. I keep getting "agnostics" confused with "atheists." An agnostic is a person who holds the view that God is unknown and probably unknowable. An atheist doesn't believe in God. Or any gods. Period. So back to Tom, who converted from agnosticism one day. He said he was at the club where we hold A.A. meetings several times a day. He strolled beyond the parking lot to the large, grass-and-tree-filled land. "God, do you exist?" Just asking the question shows his heart was open to finding God. A higher power is essential to escaping alcoholism. See Step 2. Tom stood and listened. "I heard a frog. Then another. Then I heard lots of frogs. I came back to the meeting and told them, 'I found God! He is a frog!" Many of us find God in nature. I don't think he is nature, but he can certainly be found there. Tom doesn't wors...

Bill is an old man. I can call him that because it's unlikely he ever will visit this blog. He carries a portable oxygen tank and stretches two clear tubes for O2 into his nostrils. Always he wears a cap that labels him "Old Fart." I find his speech hard to understand. Perhaps he had a stroke. Later this month, Bill will be recognized for 41 years of sobriety. I share this because he attends the same A.A. meeting I go to two or three times a week. I am approaching one year and believe I need A.A. for the sobriety and camaraderie. He apparently believes he needs the same thing after 40 years and 11 months. The point is, "Keep coming back!" Alcoholics never are cured. We merely are granted a reprieve, day by day. So good for Bill! If you ever think you have abstained long enough that you don't need A.A., don't need your higher power, don't believe one social drink will hurt you, remember Bill. He knows what he needs to do to live his 42nd year ...

[First published June 15, 2018] I had a Sunday School teacher when I was in high school who believed the Bible was the infallible word of God, no questions asked. That kind of blind belief was met by teenage doubts and questioning. One Sunday, she left the room to let us discuss "firing" her. We did. Our new teacher allowed us to openly discuss Bible stories, what they meant, and if they were literally true. I never lost my faith in a higher power, but I never found Him/Her, for example, as the one who flooded the entire earth except for Noah and his arkful. Today's A.A. Daily Reflection says, "I couldn't accept the concept of a Higher Power because I believed God was cruel and unloving. In desperation I chose a table, a tree, then my A.A. group, as my Higher Power. Time passed, my life improved, and I began to wonder about this Higher Power. Gradually, with patience, humility and a lot of questions, I came to believe in God. Now my relationship with my Hig...

A.A., the Twelve Steps, sponsors, people at meetings, counseling.... None of it makes any difference. Huh? you say. Let me explain, I reply. None of that stuff helped me at all -- until I opened my mind and chose them. Until I accepted that I was traveling a wrong path and wanted to get well, nothing could ever help one iota. My mind had to become fertile ground. I believed in a higher power all right. But I didn't BELIEVE in a higher power. I kinda sorta wanted to change, but only if I could do it my way. Thank God I surrendered, embraced all the help that was there to be harvested, and literally embraced fellow A.A. members. " At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not.... Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." (the Big Book, page 58) How about you? Are you willing to admit you are powerless over alcohol? See Steps 1-3 to get started.

Home basketball season opened last night for the University of Louisville women's basketball team. I have been a season ticket holder for several years, just a few rows up in the corner of the KFC Yum! Center. We have made the final four three times, including last year, and played in the national championship twice, getting clobbered both times by Connecticut. Ugh!  I enjoyed the game last night immensely, We beat Miami (Ohio) by 22 points. What made the game so great was that I watched it completely sober. I missed a few games in the past because I was too drunk. One time I went and forgot where I parked the car. During the first round of the NCAA tournament last spring, which we hosted here, I saw us beat Boise State, but I was only half there. I didn't make it to game 2. On the way there, I rear-ended a car and woke up in the  emergency room. I wasn't hurt, but I was completely out of it. I don't remember the accident or the ambulance ride. So, how fun was dri...

[First published on May 18. 2018] I grew up as part of a family active in church. There, people told me what to believe. And I did believe. But later in my adult life, I became disillusioned with formal religion as it was taught to me. In my community relations job, I had become painfully aware of basic needs being unmet all around us. But for the most part, churches didn't know or else didn't care. I no longer felt religious, but I still believed in God. What's up with that? It wasn't until I got into A.A. that I learned religion and spirituality are different. I can be spiritual: love God, pray, seek to do God's will, and  don't judge others' spirituality . I believe there is one God, but how I perceive Him is up to me. We choose our own higher power. I had never seen spirituality from this perspective. Where you find your higher power doesn't matter. Just find it! One of my favorite books is  Awakening in Time , by Jacquelyn Small. She writes,...