Corking the Bottle

According to Dr. Gabor  Maté   in his book,  In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts , "The addict dreads and abhors  the present moment. They bend feverishly only toward the next time, the moment when the brain, infused with the drug of choice, will briefly experience itself as liberated...." ( https://drgabormate.com/book/in-the-realm-of-hungry-ghosts/ )  I can identify with that. I won't say I abhorred the present moment, but I sure wasn't living in it. My enemy was "now;" my hope was to somehow return to the past and start over. But that was impossible, so I tried to make my hurt go away by drinking. Clearly that just made me more miserable. The downward spiral continued until I was able to find the real me again. I'm grateful to God that the real me is much better than the old me or the drunk me. I am learning about myself and others in my new world of sobriety.

I've written  umpteen times that the issue that led me to drink was looking to my past and comparing it with my present. That was depressing, and seemed to be fixable only with another drink. Then another. One of my favorite Beatles songs, probably not surprising, is one that goes like this: There are places I remember all my life Though some have changed Some forever not for better Some have gone and some remain I went through an onslaught of change that caught up with me around 2006. From there it was a slow descent into depression. If I drank a little, my mood would swing to a better place. But eventually, I couldn't drink just a little. And I know I'll never lose affection For people and things that went before I know I'll often stop and think about them... The Ninth Step Promises in the Big Book, which we read before every meeting, describes the way we should remember our past: "We will not forget the past nor wish to shut the door on it....

The University of Louisville women's basketball team beat Connecticut last night by nine points. With that win came a reminder to me about not drinking and  about living in the present. Huh? UConn beat Louisville 17 straight times, including twice in the national championship. I was there yesterday to watch that dreadful streak end. (Sorry if you are from Connecticut.) Those 17 wins were clobberings. The Cardinals couldn't come close. I can't remember if I drank away my sorrows after the previous losses -- but I might have. I am grateful I didn't even consider a celebratory drink after last night's game. Drinking away a loss or after a win is senseless. And how about a drink to forget the 17 losses? What for? They no longer count. They are in the past. "We will not forget the past nor wish to shut the door on it." (Big Book, page 83) No longer is my team 0-17. Now we are 1-0! The present is all that counts.

Mindfulness is a tool I keep practicing to keep myself sober. I began drinking too much because memories of my wonderful past life had changed. Those good times were gone forever, forcing me to lay out a revised road map for my future life. Sadly, I felt better when I drank. Then I came to learn that mindfulness is something I need. Mindfulness, in part, is paying attention to the present and finding contentment there. A Harvard study found the average person's mind is wandering 47% of the time. That means almost half of our lives is missing. Transformation to being mindful can't be achieved by sheer willpower. It requires focus, meditation, and practice. Practice, practice, practice. What you practice grows stronger. Mindfulness strengthens our immune system, decreases stress, and helps us sleep better. When I drank, I was fighting all the positive things that should have been happening in my mind and body. I came to feel ashamed of myself. I thought, no big deal. I'...