Corking the Bottle

A 10-year-old boy in Louisville committed suicide last week. Apparently he couldn't stand the bullying and saw no other escape. Many with substance abuse problems feel the same way. Alcohol and drugs bully them to the point where they no longer can stand the misery. This was posted to Facebook: The Alcoholic Next Door  shared a  post . Yesterday at 7:35 AM  ·  I'll never forget the first time I actually thought about killing myself. That is a really dark place to be. Alcohol and drugs are powerful and they can really take your mind and body to places you never imagined. I remember feeling really trapped. I didn't want to stop drinking but everything in my life was telling me I needed help. I couldn't process what to do and I'll never forget that thought coming through my head of... maybe it would just be easier if I killed mys elf. Man that's messed up. It's in these moments when you realize how powerful the mind

"Humpty Dumpty sat on  a wall...." We know what happened to Humpty. What we don't know is why a giant egg was ever stupid enough to sit on a wall anyway. Did he think he was going to get something out of such a dangerous roost? I was just as stupid as Humpty Dumpty. Why, knowing I was an alcoholic, did I think I could get away with drinking? Alcohol was my wall. I got satisfaction perched on that wall. "I won't fall off," I told myself. Wrong! A high wall is no place for a recovering alcoholic. There is only one thing that can happen, and that one thing is bad. I choose now to remain in a styrofoam-padded egg carton. There is safety there. I am happy there. All the king's horses and all the king's men can remain on standby to help some other egg that thought it could get away with sitting on a wall. I choose to be happy, joyous and free.

The Ninth Step Promises someone reads before every A.A. meeting are significant to every recovering alcoholic. They also deliver a powerful message to anyone seeking to turn his world around and lead a God-centered life. Think about these words from your unique vantage point, from page 83-84 of the Big Book: "If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to find a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively kno

[First published August 1, 2018] I miss Jeff. We worked down the hall from each other until a brain tumor or something forced him to quit and move back home to western Pennsylvania. We graduated the same year from high schools just a few miles apart, and both found our way to Rohm and Haas in Louisville. I visited him once at his home in Zelienople when he was sick. Not long after, I drove 450 miles to attend his funeral there. Jeff told me something I will always remember. The lesson seems clear to me now, but it took a while to sink in. My recovery from alcoholism has helped me hear his words more clearly. He stood in my office door one day and told me that what we say about other people tells more about us than it does about them. I don't remember how the conversation evolved to that point. But he said if we say someone is lazy, for example, that doesn't mean he is. That just means that is our opinion and our opinion only. It tells the listener that we fear laziness in

This weekend I was left home alone. Sadly, no burglars tried to get in, but I had a great booby-trapping scheme worked out just in case. My wife took her mother and our older daughter to home-town Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania, for our niece's baby shower. I was all alone with money! Enough for two large bottles of cheap hooch or one bottle of the good stuff. The money is still in my wallet. That wouldn't have happened in the past. In a few minutes, I am leaving to watch the #4 Louisville women's basketball team play Pitt. I haven't missed a game so far. In every other season, I was too drunk to go to a few of the games. This feels so good! Trust me on this one. Sobriety changes one's life if that one hasn't experienced it in a long time. I am glad I was trusted to stay at home alone. And I am glad to be able to go to the game today. Go Cards!

[First published July 31, 2018] The debate rages: Is alcoholism a matter of choice or is it a disease? Well, maybe not "rages." But the question does go "blip" in some circles. My cousin, in a phone text, referenced a blog post I wrote on May 20 about the disease question and she pointed me in the direction of a YouTube address by Dr. Kevin McCauley ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2emgrRoT2c ). It's well worth the investment of an hour, 12 minutes, and 13 seconds for an easy-to-follow analysis of addiction and our brains. The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that controls conscious thought, behavior, decision making, and the like. Experiments with mice prove that's not where addiction attacks. The midbrain is the survival brain. It handles eating, killing (self protection), and sex. This is the part of the brain where alcohol and other drugs work, which means we are tricked into believing we need more and more for survival. Nothing else th

[First published July 29, 2018] I can't remember whether it was in high school or college when I stumbled through the pages of  Candide , an 18th century novel by Voltaire. I only remember this haunting sentence, repeated over and over when Candide confronts any horrific event: "All is for the best in this best of all possible worlds." That satirical refrain stuck with me, I guess, because I didn't know if I agreed with Candide's naivete or Voltaire's mockery of that philosophy. Take alcoholism, for example. The degradation of personality and health doesn't fit into a "best of all possible worlds." I felt embarrassed among friends and family and hated myself with a hatred I thought I could never forgive. Then I found God again. I believed I had found him every time before I relapsed, but the wicked voice inside me, tempting me, was stronger than God's. This current stretch of sobriety feels much different. For the first time, I unde

[First published July 28, 2018] We store pains in our brains and issues in our tissues. Sounds to me like a good excuse to drink, huh? At least it was a good excuse for me. If you think too much, you may drink too much. Go ahead, self-medicate, that evil little voice inside me used to say. Did it work? You know the answer already. If it did, my brain right now would be fogging, not blogging. My corpuscles would be clogging. I'm going to stop this rhyme, just in time. (It sounds pretty stupid, and I don't want you to miss the point.) That is that alcohol is poison, bad medicine, addictive, and dangerous. To remove pain from your brain and issues from your tissues, try God. Pray daily. Take your higher power on vacation with you. It will fit in a carry-on. Your gray matter matters.

I like the BeeGees a lot. I still enjoy listening to their music; the old stuff and the disco songs. Yet I didn't know all their close harmony hid divisive secrets. I watched a documentary last night about Maurice's death. I never heard what happened to him. First, there was the death of younger brother Andy due to drugs. Maurice, I learned, shared a love of the white powder. In addition, he drank heavily and smoked like a smoldering campfire. He was just in his early 50s when he had severe stomach pains. He went to the hospital and, after much debate, doctors performed emergency surgery. Apparently, he had a congenital intestinal problem that took all those years to go bad. Based on the autopsy, it's also likely that abusing nicotine, drugs, and alcohol  contributed to his early death. If anything, that deadly trio prevented Maurice from overcoming a coma after surgery. His family made the devastating decision to remove him from life support. I thought of Maurice t

My Facebook friend David posted the following. Go back and read my blog from yesterday. This reinforces it nicely: Don't be sensitive to others' criticism. Focus instead on the many positive messages you receive.

I had surgery last month to  my right hand. I had two problems, so I had two incisions. They hurt now! It seemed they were healing well, but now they are red and extremely sensitive to touch. The physical therapist I see twice a week said the tenderness is part of the healing process. If only they would be less tender! This morning I said to myself, "Self! This is a metaphor for another form of tenderness." I use to take insults and criticism quite seriously. They hurt, and sometimes took a long time to heal -- if ever. The Big Book, therapy, and other helpful resources taught me to let criticism go. If someone doesn't like me, so what? Plenty of others do. I don't have to sulk. I don't have to drink. To become less sensitive is to become less hurt. Once the scar tissue in my hand goes away, sensitivity will be gone too. Likewise, negativity directed toward me doesn't hurt any more. I have become desensitized. And having learned that lesson, I no longe

[First published July 13, 2018] I'm not happy all the time. No one is. When I get a flat tire, am allegedly nagged by my wife, stub my toe, get bitten by my cat, or watch the Steelers lose, I feel unhappy. Yet I feel joy pretty much all the time, even while those bad things are happening. I am about 2/3 finished reading  Choose Joy Because Happiness Isn't Enough , by Kay Warren. ( http://kaywarren.com/choosejoy/ ) She doles out an overdose of scripture, in my opinion, and claims the Bible to be the unquestionable 100% word of God. That's fine for her, but I have my own set of beliefs. And you have your own, too. Nevertheless, she gets it right, in my view, much of the time throughout her book. She defines joy as "the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be all right, and the determined choice to praise God in all things." Happiness, she claims, is a temporary state

I pulled this from my Facebook. The Alcoholic Next Door 7 hrs Brilliant! I couldn't agree more with what these doctors are prescribing. For me, if I am stressed or having a bad day, all I need to do is get outside, take a walk through the woods and I come back to center. We spend far too much time inside, working or staring at our phones (I'M GUILTY). My wife and I were outside with our daughter over the weekend and we both said, God there's something amazing about fresh air. So if you are feeling down or depressed or you want to make your issues feel a little bit smaller, go outside and connect with the awesomeness that is mother nature. She won't let you down. And if you are really feeling bad, hug a tree. I did it the other day and it was awesome. Seriously.  # nature   # trees   # freshair   # hiking   # sobriety   # sober   # recovery

"Why all this insistence that every A.A must hit bottom first? The answer is that few people will sincerely try to practice the A.A. program unless they have hit bottom. For practicing A.A.s' remaining eleven Steps means the adoption of attitudes and actions that almost no alcoholic who is still drinking can dream of taking." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 24 I hit bottom and found it wasn't rock bottom. Instead it was more like a trampoline. I soared back up out of that pit of despair. You know what happens when you propel yourself from a trampoline. There's an inevitable fall. But once you hit the trampoline at the bottom again, up you fly. I did the same thing again and again, relapsing and then plummeting to the bottom. At last I got tired of that cycle. I steered clear of the trampoline, crashed onto rock bottom, and then began the slow, painful climb out of the pit of despair. I reached open ground and found sunshine and happy people and f

[First published July 1, 2018] Quite by accident, I stumbled upon (a sober stumble, not one of my inebriated falls) a website that dishes out some interesting perspectives on the success of A.A. and the so-called Big Book that steers that organization: "Today, A.A. is serving more than 2 million recovering alcoholics in more than 180 countries. Moreover, the 12 Step program that Bill W. laid out in the Big Book has helped millions of people with a host of other addictions. 'These include Narcotics Anonymous, the more specific Marijuana Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, Workaholics Anonymous, and Sexaholics Anonymous,' reports the BBC. 'Clutterers Anonymous deals with those with hoarding problems. Underearners Anonymous offers support for those suffering an inability to provide for one's needs.' Support for loved ones of those going through addiction is on offer at Families Anonymous [more common around here is Al-Anon]. In 2011, the Big Book was named one of

Sobriety for me has become more than not drinking. It means becoming a better person and being a quiet supporter of others. I really am a better person than I ever have been before; all fact, no brag, as my high school friends used to say. I am "willing to turn the past to good account . We grow by our willingness to face and rectify errors and convert them into assets." (The Big Book, page 124.) Working the 12 steps helped me get in better touch with myself. That meant recognizing my character defects and, with God's help, understanding myself and, thus, understanding others. This has brought me a joyous life instead of mere happiness, which comes then fades. The Big Book continues, "Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worth while to us now. Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have -- the key to life and happiness ('joy')...."

[First published June 29, 2018] When it comes to hands, I'm not very handy. When it comes to following written instructions, A+B=3 for me. I set the directions to anything aside and try to figure out how all the pieces go together and in what order. I  always  have to tear it apart and start over. If the directions are sketches without words, I find nothing looks like the illustrations in real life. And when the instructions are comprised of both words and pictures, I might as well go straight to the Japanese translation because that will do me just as much good. Thank the God of my choice that life comes with instructions. They are called the 12 Steps.  They're not just for alcoholics and addicts, but for anyone looking for a better life. Unfortunately, few people follow them. See    https://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/smf-121_en.pdf For me, those steps once were a staircase to nowhere. It wasn't until I spent 28 days at The Brook in Louisville, where we worked steps 1

[First published June 25, 2018] I used to be the community relations manager for a chemical plant. Part of my job was meeting people, talking about our operations, and listening to concerns. "I can smell it, so I know that's why I feel bad all the time." Too often, the monologue went like this: I have breast cancer. My husband died of lung cancer. Our son has asthma. I know of at least six people on my street who have had cancer. I'm ready to sue y'all. Son, go out to the car and bring me my cigarettes." No one can say if our emissions were the cause of cancer or asthma or the common cold. One out of four people will get cancer no matter where they spend their lives. We worked on reducing emissions and odors constantly, but we were dealing with odoriferous chemicals that evaporate easily. It's like the gasoline smell when you fill up your car. It's like baking bread and keeping all that wonderful odor out of the house. Some molecules escape and

[First published June 22, 2018] It must have been the first time I watched  The Wizard of Oz . I was in first grade or younger; my sister was a year and a half younger than I. When the witch came on the screen -- although all we had was a black-and-white TV -- she was still scary enough that I can remember how that fear felt. My sister hid behind the couch and cried. I still feel fear, but it's a different kind. That movie was fight-or-flight fear. I felt threatened by danger, even though the danger was irrational. My fears these days remain irrational fears, like, will I make someone mad? Will people not like me? Will my kids give up on their alcoholic father? According to Dr. David D. Burns in  The Feeling Good Handbook ( https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Handbook-David-Burns-1999-10-28/dp/B017MYK3SU/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1529692806&sr=8-4&keywords=feeling+good+handbook ) , fear must be dealt with head-on. "When you avoid frightening situations, you simply ma

Alcoholism is a revolving door. We either can go around in circles and never get anywhere. Or we can come out on the other side and follow a hallway to our destination. In my case, I got sick of never changing, never progressing. Once I left the revolving door and saw all the places I could go inside, it was like a new world opening up for me. It wasn't easy at first, but it was magnificent after I made that big choice. The door isn't locked. I always have the free will to return. But why would I? "You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you  know. and YOU are the one who'll decide where to go." -- Dr. Seuss, Oh the Places You'll Go!

Marty told a good story yesterday at A.A. It shows us that resentments are in the eye of the beholder. He was driving his business' truck somewhere and picked up a call from the dispatcher. He asked, "Are you all right, Marty?" He said he was. "Is anything wrong?" No, why? "Someone called and said your truck was weaving." Of all the nerve! That guy should be minding his own business. As Marty thought about it, the resentment built to a breaking point. How dare someone report him when he was driving just fine! Marty called his sponsor and related the story about the busy-body. The sponsor replied, "Did you get fired?" No. "Did you have a wreck?" No. "Did you run over someone?" No. "Did you have a personal injury?" No. "Then why are you resentful? Maybe the person who made the call was concerned about your safety and the safety of others. He did you a favor. Maybe he did a favor to others on the

[First published June 17. 2018] Today's paradox: I regret the way I used to live, but I love my life left behind out of the ruins. I wouldn't know people I know, I wouldn't know myself I now know, and I wouldn't be able to help those still struggling with alcohol addiction. This passage from  Staying Sober  by Terence T. Gorski and Merlene Miller reminds me of the me I used to be. Sound familiar? "Mood swings are common as the person uses the drug to feel better but is unable to maintain the good feelings. As life becomes more and more drug centered, there is less and less control over behavior. Activities that interfere with drinking or using are given up. Getting ready to use, using, and recovering from using become the life activities of addicted people. They do things while drinking they would not do sober. While sober, they structure their lives to protect their using. They break promises, forget commitments, lie -- all to be able to use. Isolation is co

This is part of an uplifting Facebook post from Makenzie. I first met her when she was a little kid in need of strength and support. She admits she later fell into a world of drugs. She came out of it and now, about 30 and with two kids, exhibits wholeness, love, and spirituality: Makenzie Love and belonging is a IRREDUCIBLE human need. It's THE human need. Like water, like shelter, like food. It might not be as OBVIOUS as hunger and starving and watching the body just eat itself alive. It eats you alive, but just slower and more painful. Your mind weakens, it attacks itself daily.... Believe they are NOT worthy of love and belonging. Because they feel alone and like no one understands. The only thing standing between you and being loved and belonging is BELIEVING you deserve to be. Like everyone else. Not despite your flaws but BECAUSE of them. We love you BECAUSE of what makes you you. Not "despite" those things. The WHOLE, beautifully, imperfect, complicated

[First published June 15, 2018] I had a Sunday School teacher when I was in high school who believed the Bible was the infallible word of God, no questions asked. That kind of blind belief was met by teenage doubts and questioning. One Sunday, she left the room to let us discuss "firing" her. We did. Our new teacher allowed us to openly discuss Bible stories, what they meant, and if they were literally true. I never lost my faith in a higher power, but I never found Him/Her, for example, as the one who flooded the entire earth except for Noah and his arkful. Today's A.A. Daily Reflection says, "I couldn't accept the concept of a Higher Power because I believed God was cruel and unloving. In desperation I chose a table, a tree, then my A.A. group, as my Higher Power. Time passed, my life improved, and I began to wonder about this Higher Power. Gradually, with patience, humility and a lot of questions, I came to believe in God. Now my relationship with my Hig

[First published June 16, 2018] Longing to return to my past was a major factor that led me to abuse the bottle. A resource I find helpful, loaned to me by Leslie of Better Alternative Counseling in Louisville, is  The Power of Now  by Eckhart Tolle. She loaned me a boxed variety of 50 inspirational cards. ( https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-power-of-now-50-inspiration-cards-eckhart-tolle/1117656841?st=SEM&sid=BNB_DRS_DSA+-+Catch+All_00000000&2sid=Google_b&sourceId=SEGoS210&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI8fCt7MTZ2wIVDgFpCh1qYAbtEAAYBSAAEgLlR_D_BwE ) Here are a few samples: "How to stop creating time? Realize deeply the present moment is all you ever have. Make the Now the primary focus of your life." "Acceptance of what is immediately frees you from mind identification and thus reconnects you with Being. Resistance is the mind." "Enlightenment means choosing to dwell in the state of presence rather than in time. It means saying yes to what is.

I went to visit a young woman in the hospital today.  I'll call her Shannon. She has been in and out of care with heart problems for a while now. I had a hunch, so I asked her, "You're really here because of heroin addiction, aren't you?" Sort of. Her heart really is bad. But it's heroin withdrawal that actually bedded her two weeks ago. She escaped once before against doctors' orders, but her pain brought her back. Her mother died of an OD last week. I posted a piece here about attending her funeral. She died alone. I tried to help guide and mentor Shannon and her siblings when they were kids. God knows they needed someone stable in their poverty-depressed lives. There's considerable question about my rate of success, as I looked at the woman in bed before me. Once I took Shannon's mom to lunch and she told me of torture and abuse at the hands of her then-husband. Shannon today admitted she and her mom both were beaten often. She didn'

[First published June 12, 2018] A 2015 study published by Addiction Research and Theory identified four kinds of drunks: 1. Hemmingway. These drunks show minimal signs of intoxication despite their heavy drinking. I used to think or wish that were me. 2. Mary Poppins.They are agreeable when sober and still agreeable  when drunk. 3. The Nutty Professor. These people are extremely introverted when sober and become the life of the party when blasted. 4. Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. They have the personality of Dr. Jekyll when sober but turn into violent monsters when drunk, The study cited is at   https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/pdf/10.3109/16066359.2015.1029920 An MEL Magazine article by Jennifer Sanchez sheds some light on Mr. Hyde. ( https://melmagazine.com/inside-the-mind-of-an-angry-drunk-cb3f226d9c05 ) She refers to David Friedman of the Wake Forest University School of Medicine, who has been conducting drug-abuse research for nearly 40 years. "'You probably won't  be s