Corking the Bottle

(Reprinted from my blog post August 6, 2018) We pray the Lord's prayer. We hold hands in a circle and repeat it after most A.A. meetings. We say it every Sunday in church. When I was little, we said it before each school day began. But did you ever notice that there's a catch to it? Everything is asked straightforward: Give us our daily bread, don't lead us into temptation, deliver us from evil. Right in the middle is a scary action item for  us , a do-this-for-me-and-I-will-do-this-for-you deal we make with God. "And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." In the Presbyterian church where I grew up, we replace "trespasses" with "debts." It seems like Presbyterians are worried about money we owe and others owe us. Un-Presbyterians promise to obey God's "No Trespassing!" signs, the same as we allow others into our yards.  "Trespasses" and "debts" don't get to the main...

Some of us, though, tripped over a very different snag. We clung to the claim that when drinking we never hurt anybody but ourselves. — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 79 Step Eight tells us, "Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all." I have my list. But I'm not sure I am ready to make amends. My mother is on the list. She is 87 years old and lives 430 miles away from me. I never drank in front of her or was drunk when with her. But there have been times my hands shook, I threw up, and was listless after a binge. How do I make amends to her? How can I bring up the subject? She knows I am an alcoholic. She knows I quit drinking, one day at a time. But I haven't figured put how to make amends except by staying away from alcohol. For some unknown reason, she loves me now as much as she ever did. I am grateful to God for that. Loving her in return means I must stay sober. Even when she is gone.

My knees are stiff these days when I go up and down steps. Crack, crack, pop! It's from running in yesteryears or from old age. I tell myself it's the former, as I grab the handrail and semi-hop when I descend. A.A.'s 12 Steps, I admit, are no easier than tangible steps. I know the cause of that pain: too many years of drinking, denying, lying, stealing.... you know the litany. In working the steps, I had to take a hard look internally and face down my personal demons. The result is a more centered individual who no longer has to hold so tight to the intangible handrail. I completed the first seven steps as an inpatient. I continually review and work at the last three. That leaves just Steps 8 and 9. In Step 8 we are supposed to make "a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all." Step 9 tells us to make "direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." (Aside:...

I asked for my sponsor's help. I confessed I never worked Steps 8 and 9. It's about time I finally do. He and are meeting Monday after A.A. Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Step 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. I am afraid to do that. I can list people I have harmed, I think. But how do I go to these people and scoop old garbage out of the can? This is where I need my sponsor's guidance. Not just guidance, but a strong shove. I asked God to remove my shortcomings back in Step 7. Cleaning off the noses I bloodied makes Step 9 harder than that. Also, what are amends? The Big Book talks of them. But how do I pay back people like my wife? It isn't just forgiveness I need to seek. But how do I do penance for all the anxiety I put her through? Still, I need to do it somehow, Today's A.A, Daily Reflections explains why: "...

We pray the Lord's prayer. We hold hands in a circle and repeat it after most A.A. meetings. We say it every Sunday in church. When I was little, we said it before each school day began. But did you ever notice that there's a catch to it? Everything is asked straightforward: Give us our daily bread, don't lead us into temptation, deliver us from evil. Right in the middle is a scary action item for us , a do-this-for-me-and-I-will-do-this-for-you deal we make with God. "And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." In the Presbyterian church where I grew up, we replace "trespasses" with "debts." It seems like Presbyterians are worried about money we owe and others owe us. Un-Presbyterians promise to obey God's "No Trespassing!" signs, the same as we allow others into our yards.  "Trespasses" and "debts" don't get to the main issue here. Don't we really mean, "F...