Corking the Bottle

"We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not." --The Big  Book, page 58 I didn't want to go to A.A meetings or work steps or turn my will and my life over to the care of God. It must be easier to control my drinking. I didn't want to stop. I tried limiting my drinking only to weekends. That didn't work. I tried limiting my drinking only to weekdays. That didn't work either. I tried drinking only late at night after my wife went to bed. I tried drinking only in the mornings when my wife was at work so that I could sober up and not smell like vodka when she came home. Those tries weren't easier or softer. For a while I drank only on days ending with Y. I drank only when my sports teams won. That didn't work. I drank only when my sports teams lost. That didn't work, especially during Pirates baseball season when I found myself drinking almost every day. I drank only when it rained or only when it didn't. I drank...

"What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can faith save him?...You  believe that there is one God.... But do you want to know, O foolish man, that faith, without works, is dead ?" --James 2: 14, 19-20 I wanted a sandwich for lunch today. I prayed for it and, because I feel like I have a close relationship with God, I had faith he would deliver me my sandwich. But no matter how much faith I have, God is no Jimmy John's. I had to rise from my chair, find my keys and wallet, and drive to the store. I told the man at the counter what I wanted, and he gave it to me. I had faith that he would and he did. But I had to take action to get that sandwich. Yes, someone would have delivered it, but that would have taken a phone call. Again, faith, without the work, doesn't put lunch in my belly. Are you praying for sobriety? Keep praying as you walk past the liquor store. Without action -- without attending A.A. meetings, wi...

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." If there is a God, why would He allow me to drink uncontrollably? When I asked for help to stop, why was there no answer? Why did He watch my life deteriorate to the point of harmful self-medication? Where is God's love? Where is the joy and peace and serenity I supposedly had been promised? The flip response is, "Don't give up hope." Now you say, "I had hope, but disappointments and time made it all run out. Then I say, "Hope is only a word if you take no action to see A.A.'s promises come true. Don't give up. Don't ever give up." But you turn away and quit looking for God: "It's hopeless." If such frustration is your's read the Big Book, from the bottom of page 37 to page 43. I can't do those pages justice by summarizing them here, so read them if you have your doubts about a higher power. Nevertheless, ...

If you're as old as I am, you might remember a time back in the hippie days when the country was fighting a winless war and our leaders were being assassinated and peace rallies turned into riots. We heard the cry many times from many places: God is dead! It seemed as though the world was out of control. The captain of the ship had stepped away from the wheel and we were sinking. There were no lifeboats, just sandbags. I was a kid then. I thought that's the way our existence would be forever. I knew no other social environment. Maybe, I wondered, God really is dead. I know better now. Sometimes God does step away from the wheel. That's the way my dad taught me to ride a bike: by holding me up and then, without a word, letting me pedal on my own while staying a safe distance behind to catch me. The following is from a book, Coming Clean , by Seth Haines ( https://modernmrsdarcy.com/books/coming-clean-a-story-of-faith/ ). The passage is a little long for this blog ...

Let's take a statement out of context. "Everything I needed was provided." After you got sober and stayed sober, is this a statement that pertains to you? Does your Higher Power give you everything you need? If not, what is missing? What do you need -- I repeat, need -- in your life you are not receiving? I thought about this, and you know, I can't think of  a thing I need that isn't already mine. Christmas is two weeks from today. I expect to find things I can use under the tree, but nothing in the wrapping will be anything I need . Realizing that all my needs are being met adds to my peace and serenity. Maybe it helps that I live in a nice house with plenty to eat, a warm bed at night, a loving family, two cars, a cell phone, yada yada. But what about the man living under a highway? If he is a recovering alcoholic or former addict and now uses no more, is God meeting his needs? Hmmm, That sounds like something worth some research. Is the recovering alc...

If you find yourself digging a deeper and deeper hole, the logical first step is to get rid of the shovel. Then you can plan how to get out. "You hit bottom when you stop digging," the Big Book says on page 325. As long as that shovel was available, however, I was determined  to keep digging. I didn't really want to stop, even though I told others I did. A narrative in the Big Book, "It might Have Been Worse," describes our predicament. "Again I promised to do something about it (drinking). Broken promises, humiliation, hopelessness, worry, anxiety -- but still not enough (to make me lay down my shovel).... "Like all alcoholics I wanted to handle my problem my own way, which really meant I didn't want anything to interfere with my drinking. I was trying to find an easier, softer way." Right in front of me was God. He had been there the hole time, waiting for me to find the answers on my own. He isn't an easier, softer answer, bu...

I used to think too much. What are my priorities at work tomorrow? How do I fill my days productively now that I am retired early? Am I drinking too much? Why am I drinking too much? Do I want to quit? How am I supposed to put up with my wife who is always on my back? Why doesn't my daughter speak to me any more? How can I be healthy by drinking myself into oblivion? " I wandered from room to room, thinking, drinking, drinking, thinking.... I never know which came first, the thinking or the drinking. If I could only stop thinking, I wouldn't drink. If I could only stop drinking, maybe I wouldn't think. But they were all mixed up together, and I was all mixed up inside." (The Big Book, "The Housewife Who Drank at Home," page 297) My, my, my! It's relaxing now to let God handle the thinking. I ask Him to help me do His will, whatever His will might be. And then I'm done. What else is there to think about? In the words of the immortal Alfred ...

No one knew when I was drinking. I chose vodka because it didn't have much of an alcohol smell. I drank just enough to feel good, but not so much that I was slurring, staggering, or slow-footed -- the three S's of detection. My wife could tell if I drank, she claimed, by the flickering of my eye. I knew she was making that up. I got away with it, and no one, including her, was any wiser. I couldn't have been more wrong or more stupid. As time went on, I learned people could smell vodka on my breath and perspiring through my pores. When I drank, I didn't feel myself slurring, staggering, or slow, but others did. And my eye looked fine, thank you very much. No one knew I was drinking. It was my secret. According to the Big Book on page 292, "It's surprising, how we think we fool everyone in our drinking." I now realize that if I started to drink again, I would get caught. I would be embarrassed. I would feel ashamed. I can't fool myself and I c...

Church was a big part of my life growing up. God wasn't. I have learned that both can exist without the other. Now I don't go to church. But I do have God in my life. As I said yesterday, I am going through the testimonials in the back of the Big Book. A passage from "The Missing Link" describes the link that I used to be missing in my life as well: "Following this spiritual path made a major difference in my life. It seemed to fill that lonely hole that I used to fill with alcohol. My self-esteem improved dramatically, and I knew happiness and serenity as I had never known it before, I started to see the beauty and usefulness in my own existence, and tried to express my gratitude through helping others in whatever ways I could. A confidence and faith entered my life and unraveled a plan for me that was bigger and better than I could have ever imagined." I passed along this message at my A.A. meeting a little while ago. I felt God was telling me to s...

I am re-re-re-reading the personal narratives in the A.A. Big Book. I always find new good stuff, depending on what road to recovery I happen to be traveling. These stories are my GPS on that road, and I want to blog about some passages I find particularly relevant. I start with the introduction to Part II, "They Stopped in Time," on page 279 (It's unnumbered.) This part seems to apply to me. How about you?: "Among today's incoming A.A. members, many have never reached the advanced stages of alcoholism, though given time all might. (Yeah, me too!) "Most of these unfortunates have had little or no acquaintance with delirium, with hospitals, with asylums, and jails. (Well, not with delirium.) Some were drinking heavily, and there had been occasional serious episodes.... "They realized that repeated lack of drinking control, when they really wanted control, was the fatal symptom that spelled problem drinking.... Complete ruin would only be a ques...

Why do I bother writing this blog? Does anyone read it? Does anyone care? Does publishing about my alcoholism bring others to judge me with scorn? I believe God led me to start this blog, and that many if not all my posts here are inspired by Him. Therefore, if waving my alcoholism flag for all to see brings me any shame, I can get over it knowing God is using me to save one -- maybe many -- from the demon rum. One of the early A.A. pioneers said it well in the Big Book, page 253: "If I go around shouting from the rooftops about my alcoholism, it might very possibly prevent me from getting a good job. But supposing that just one (person) died because I had, for selfish reasons, kept my mouth shut? No. I was supposed to be doing God's will, not mine. His road lay clear  before me, and I'd better quit rationalizing myself into any detours. I could not expect to keep what I had gained unless I gave it away." So here: I give it away to you!

I'm on a break so I'll make this fast. My wife drafted me to move furniture in the family room; not just move it, but tear it apart. Do you suppose I have any say? We have had a big curved couch for many years that took up space and made furniture rearranging -- call it "female nesting" -- more difficult. With little measuring and front-end planning, we lifted, tugged, pulled, and pushed to separate the couch into three sections. She just excused me while she empties the antique desk drawers so the large upright piece can be moved from that side of the room to this side. Then the middle section of the couch can fit where the desk was and the large recliner in the corner will be moved to my basement man cave -- if we can fit it down the narrow stairway. Note sarcasm and surrender. You don't care, and the details are unimportant to you. My point in all this is to: 1) vent, 2) talk about control, and 3) talk about change. Number 1 was taken care of by writing t...

Jim says some clever things at my home A.A. meetings. I don't know if he reads them, hears them from others, or if he is really this clever. He called A.A. "the biggest organization no one ever wanted to come to." He's right. I sure didn't want to be a member. I resisted attending meetings for a long time until I felt like my marriage was about to be hammered, as I was. So I tried it. At my first meeting, the man next to me introduced me to the Big Book and paid halves for me. When I heard about sponsors, he agreed to be mine. When the leader asked if anyone was at his first A.A. meeting, I raised my hand and announced, "I'm Dan and I'm an alcoholic." Those there applauded and many introduced themselves to me and welcomed me after the meeting. It took me a few years of meetings and relapses before I found the road I'm on now, but A.A. members have been a help to me. I hope I have been a help to some of them. This is the kindest group...

(Reprinted from my blog post August 4, 2018) "Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the the very thing which makes life seem so worth while to us now. Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have -- the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them." --The Big Book page 124 I am grateful for my dark past. No, I'm not masochistic. It's just that we learn more from our losses than from our victories. Fortunately, my dark past only goes back 10 years or so, not somewhere along life's road miles before I came to this rest stop.... If I hadn't driven through the dark past, I never would have come to know myself and how to repair the damage I caused to myself and others. Only because I had bad times did I find God and pray for His will to be done through me. I see results of that prayer every day. Stanley Lake in Idaho's Sawtooth Mountains Whe...

When it comes to drinking, some people never quit until abstinence comes to them in the grave. Yet God sends us all a healthy way out. He gives us a chance. Nevertheless, "... many are called but, few are chosen." (Matthew 22:14) Why are few chosen? What does that mean? M. Scott Peck in The Road Less Traveled offers this explanation: "As is common with grace, most reject this gift and do not heed the message. They do this in a variety of ways, all of which represent an attempt to avoid the responsibility for their illness." God gave me chance after chance to give up drinking, but I always came up with an excuse to relapse. The A.A. Big Book, in a personal testimony on page 293, observes, "I didn't want to drink that day but I took no action to insure against it. You see, I believe that we get more than one 'moment of grace' from God -- but it is up to us to seize the moment by taking action." Dr. Peck wrote that some, including most...

When I am moved to speak at A.A. meetings, the words from my mouth aren't mine. I'm not that wise. Instead, I believe it is God speaking through me with a message He wants someone in the room to hear. Similarly, someone may say something that has me grabbing for my notebook to write down a poignant message God intended for me to hear. Mark, at my Thursday night meetings, says that if he ever hears God's voice speaking to him, lock him up. On the other hand, he believes God does speak to him through the words others at the meetings say. I write this blog in the belief that God leads me to deliver a message someone needs to read. I don't get many views each day. But if there is one, maybe God has chosen to speak to that person through me. God, may I do Your will! Another Mark told a story at A.A. this afternoon that illustrates the point I am trying to make. Years ago at a meeting, he tried to deliver a message, but got lost along the way. When he was finished, he f...

I see this TV commercial a lot: "Foundation problems don't get better with time. If you're experiencing cracks in brick, cracks in block, cracks in drywall, or cracks around doors or windows, call...." My foundation used to be cracked, and it didn't get any better with time. That is, until I found God, went to A.A. meetings, worked the Twelve Steps, and read the Big Book and other mental health/spirituality books. Now I have no cracks in my mortar. Well, I have a few. But overall, my foundation is stronger now. The reason for abusing alcohol and other substances is a weak foundation. Whatever you try won't work until you build a sturdy foundation. That takes work. That takes support from others. That means having a dependable contractor (sponsor). If you have cracks in your foundation (And who doesn't?) patch them. Start now. It takes time to identify them and then make needed repairs.

"Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the the very thing which makes life seem so worth while to us now. Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have -- the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them." --The Big Book, page 124 I am grateful for my dark past. No, I'm not masochistic. It's just that we learn more from our losses than from our victories. Fortunately, my dark past only goes back 10 years or so, not somewhere along life's road miles before I came to this rest stop. If I hadn't driven through the dark past, I never would have come to know myself and how to repair the damage I caused to myself and others. Only because I had bad times did I find God and pray for His will to be done through me. I see results of that prayer every day. Stanley Lake in Idaho's Sawtooth Mountains When I lived in Idaho, I came to realize those beaut...

Thank God for the power to stop drinking. No, really, literally: Thank God! I pulled together some passages today from two books that mean a lot to me: The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck ( http://www.mscottpeck.com/ ), and the Big Book by the pioneers of Alcoholics Anonymous ( https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoholics-anonymous ). These quotes refer to the utmost ingredient essential to our growth and maturity, whether we are alcoholics or not. I refer to the deity many of us call God. I want to start with Dr. Peck: "In debating the wisdom of a proposed course of action [like quitting drinking], human beings routinely fail to obtain  God's side of the issue. They fail to consult or listen to the God within them, the knowledge of rightness which inherently resides within the minds of all mankind.... If we seriously listen to this 'God within us' -- we usually find ourselves being urged to take the more difficult path, the path of more effort rather than less...

(First published July 3, 2018) I was about to lose my job in 2004. My friend, confidant, and sister-in-law (rolled into one) must have sensed a high-pressure system and impending rainstorm. She told me I should go sit on a beach until I find the real Dan again. Of course I didn't take her advice."We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not ( Big Book , page 58)." At that point, I hadn't hit bottom yet and so was still frantically digging my hole. Today, I find the old Dan is no more. It turns out the hole he was digging was his own grave. But from all the depression, DUIs, fender benders, and blackouts arose a new Dan. I seriously have never felt like this my entire life. I feel no stress. I am empowered. I am in control of my life. I discovered true joy. I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to "the care of God as we understood him." Further, I made a moral inventory of myself and "was entirely ready to have God ...