Corking the Bottle

I am re-re-re-reading the personal narratives in the A.A. Big Book. I always find new good stuff, depending on what road to recovery I happen to be traveling. These stories are my GPS on that road, and I want to blog about some passages I find particularly relevant. I start with the introduction to Part II, "They Stopped in Time," on page 279 (It's unnumbered.) This part seems to apply to me. How about you?: "Among today's incoming A.A. members, many have never reached the advanced stages of alcoholism, though given time all might. (Yeah, me too!) "Most of these unfortunates have had little or no acquaintance with delirium, with hospitals, with asylums, and jails. (Well, not with delirium.) Some were drinking heavily, and there had been occasional serious episodes.... "They realized that repeated lack of drinking control, when they really wanted control, was the fatal symptom that spelled problem drinking.... Complete ruin would only be a ques...

When I enjoyed it, I couldn't control it. When I controlled it, I couldn't enjoy it. I heard someone say that at an A.A. meeting one time and wrote it down. I thought it was a good description of my own drinking. I never drank with plans to black out or pass out. I drank because I enjoyed it. But I'm only going to enjoy one drink, maybe two, I told myself. I never measured liquor with a shot glass. I just poured it into my juice or pop; enough that it tasted good. Often, I did enjoy two drinks. Then I lost control. Sometimes, after I was sober, I was upset that the vodka bottle was so empty. I couldn't remember drinking that much. When I enjoyed it, I couldn't control it. So I quit drinking. Maybe that lasted for a whole week or so. But I couldn't enjoy that. So I drank again. It was a downward spiral. My life is different now. I can control my drinking and I never enjoyed life so much. I can feel God's presence everywhere I go. I can feel Him gu...

I'm on a break so I'll make this fast. My wife drafted me to move furniture in the family room; not just move it, but tear it apart. Do you suppose I have any say? We have had a big curved couch for many years that took up space and made furniture rearranging -- call it "female nesting" -- more difficult. With little measuring and front-end planning, we lifted, tugged, pulled, and pushed to separate the couch into three sections. She just excused me while she empties the antique desk drawers so the large upright piece can be moved from that side of the room to this side. Then the middle section of the couch can fit where the desk was and the large recliner in the corner will be moved to my basement man cave -- if we can fit it down the narrow stairway. Note sarcasm and surrender. You don't care, and the details are unimportant to you. My point in all this is to: 1) vent, 2) talk about control, and 3) talk about change. Number 1 was taken care of by writing t...

(Reprinted from my blog post July 31, 2018) The debate rages: Is alcoholism a matter of choice or is it a disease? Well, maybe not "rages." But the question does go "blip" in some circles. My cousin, in a phone text, referenced a blog post I wrote on May 20 about the disease question and she pointed me in the direction of a YouTube address by Dr. Kevin McCauley ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2emgrRoT2c ). It's well worth the investment of an hour, 12 minutes, and 13 seconds for an easy-to-follow analysis of addiction and our brains. The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that controls conscious thought, behavior, decision making, and the like. Experiments with mice prove that's not where addiction attacks. The midbrain is the survival brain. It handles eating, killing (self protection), and sex. This is the part of the brain where alcohol and other drugs work, which means we are tricked into believing we need more and more for survival. Not...

 I can't be in control all the time. There were times I wanted to be, tried to be, demanded I be. That never worked out so hot. I came up with an analogy once when on a trip. The pilot, crew, and control tower were in control. Not me. That's a situation where I had to relinquish all control and trust others. My record as a pilot wasn't so good. I also noted that for many years in the car, I rode in the passenger seat. My wife was at the wheel. She likes to drive and I would rather look at the scenery. On longer trips, I read and nap as she drives. I trust her to get us where we are going safely. Sometimes I offer suggestions: Don't follow so close behind that truck; Pass the old lady in front of us; The light is changing; Cars are stopping ahead..... She rarely takes my suggestions. She is in control and would rather do things her own way. I am better off keeping my mouth shut and turning up the radio. (That's a suggestion she firmly offers to me.) Likewise...

What if I were out with a group of friends. I never hung out in bars, so let's say I am on a trail in the woods with the hiking group I have trekked with before. One of them introduces me to someone new. We lag at the back of  the pack, talking sports and hobbies and interests. After we spend time together, this man I thought was a friend suddenly sneered, "I am going to control your life." What would you do in a similar situation? Would you agree to meet after the hike to see what he means? Would you scoff and tell yourself you never would agree to something so ridiculous? Would you distance yourself from this awful person? Or maybe you would say, "Sure! While you're at it, I will divorce my wife, give up my kids, leave my job, and enable you to be my higher power." You can see what I am getting at. I made friends with alcohol and let it control my life. How stupid I was! I made a mistake. I lost money and self esteem to enable -- actually, invite -- ...

[First published July 31, 2018] The debate rages: Is alcoholism a matter of choice or is it a disease? Well, maybe not "rages." But the question does go "blip" in some circles. My cousin, in a phone text, referenced a blog post I wrote on May 20 about the disease question and she pointed me in the direction of a YouTube address by Dr. Kevin McCauley ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2emgrRoT2c ). It's well worth the investment of an hour, 12 minutes, and 13 seconds for an easy-to-follow analysis of addiction and our brains. The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that controls conscious thought, behavior, decision making, and the like. Experiments with mice prove that's not where addiction attacks. The midbrain is the survival brain. It handles eating, killing (self protection), and sex. This is the part of the brain where alcohol and other drugs work, which means we are tricked into believing we need more and more for survival. Nothing else th...

What I try to control controls me. I once was a runner; not a jogger. What I did wasn't jogging. I ran . I gave it all I could. During 10-20-mile training runs, I did about 7:30 a mile. In marathons and shorter races, I was right around seven minutes. That's far from world-class time, but it was good enough for second place sometimes and for a top-three finish in my age group often. I loved to run, but it controlled me. For some time, I got up before dawn and ran five miles through town. Then I went home at lunchtime and, instead of eating, ran wind sprints. I was running three times a day. After a few marathons, I qualified and ran in the Boston Marathon. One Thanksgiving weekend, I ran a 50-mile race. After the 50-miler, I had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital due to dehydration. That day, running controlled me, not the other way around. By the time I reached middle age, my knee gave out and I needed surgery to remove cartilage. It still hurt. I tried a sport...

This past week has been a real beaute for me. My father-in-law died. I got a flat tire and needed my car towed to get it replaced. My cell phone died, and not all my settings, data, and contacts transferred to my new phone. Today is day 10 without a furnace with nighttime temperatures in the 30s and 40s. When I get the furnace fixed, the cost is estimated at $1,400. I  could use a stiff drink, followed by a loss of control, a blackout, a wife explosion, and a hangover that leaves me with the same original problems. Instead, I choose faith in God. "When you understand that life is a test, you realize that nothing is insignificant in your life. Even the smallest incident has significance for your character development. Every day is an important day, and every second is a growth opportunity to deepen your character, to demonstrate love, or to depend on God. Some tests seem overwhelming, while others you don't even notice. But all of them have eternal implications. "The...

With this post, I conclude a series that I hope will enable you to recognize some symptoms of relapse. For me, I meant well and tried hard, but I kept relapsing anyway. There was often a nagging little voice telling me to go ahead and try a drink. Maybe this series of blog posts will help you or a loved one break out of the relapse pattern sooner and easier than I did. Terence T. Gorski, co-author of  Staying Sober , identified 11 phases of relapse in his book ( https://www.amazon.com/Terence-T.-Gorski/e/B001JSA9K8 ). His research involved 118 recovering patients who had four things in common: They completed a 21- or 28-day rehab program; They recognized they could never again safely use alcohol; They intended to remain sober forever through A.A. and outpatient counseling; They had eventually relapsed to drinking despite 1-3. Symptoms and Warning  Signs of Relapse Phase 11 .  Alcohol and drug use. During this phase, you return to alcohol and drug use, try to...

I hope this series of blog posts will enable you to recognize some symptoms of relapse. I meant well and tried hard, but I kept relapsing anyway. There was often a nagging little voice telling me to go ahead and try a drink. Maybe this series of blog posts will help you or a loved one break out of the relapse pattern sooner and easier than I did. Terence T. Gorski, co-author of  Staying Sober , identified 11 phases of relapse in his book Staying Sober ( https://www.amazon.com/Terence-T.-Gorski/e/B001JSA9K8 ). I hope you will find this series helpful enough to review again and again -- at once or in parts. An idea might be to checkmark symptoms in the 11 phases to see if you or a loved one is in danger of relapsing. Then take action. Gorski's research involved 118 recovering patients who had four things in common: They completed a 21- or 28-day rehab program; They recognized they could never again safely use alcohol; They intended to remain sober forever through A.A. and ou...

I hope this series of blog posts will enable you to recognize some symptoms of relapse. I meant well and tried hard, but I kept relapsing anyway. There was often a nagging little voice telling me to go ahead and try a drink. Maybe this series of blog posts will help you or a loved one break out of the relapse pattern sooner and easier than I did. Terence T. Gorski, co-author of  Staying Sober , identified 11 phases of relapse in his book Staying Sober ( https://www.amazon.com/Terence-T.-Gorski/e/B001JSA9K8 ). I hope you will find this series helpful enough to review again and again -- at once or in parts. An idea might be to checkmark symptoms in the 11 phases to see if you or a loved one is in danger of relapsing. Then take action. Gorski's research involved 118 recovering patients who had four things in common: They completed a 21- or 28-day rehab program; They recognized they could never again safely use alcohol; They intended to remain sober forever through A.A. and out...

The debate rages: Is alcoholism a matter of choice or is it a disease? Well, maybe not "rages." But the question does go "blip" in some circles. My cousin, in a phone text, referenced a blog post I wrote on May 20 about the disease question and she pointed me in the direction of a YouTube address by Dr. Kevin McCauley ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2emgrRoT2c ). It's well worth the investment of an hour, 12 minutes, and 13 seconds for an easy-to-follow analysis of addiction and our brains. The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that controls conscious thought, behavior, decision making, and the like. Experiments with mice prove that's not where addiction attacks. The midbrain is the survival brain. It handles eating, killing (self protection), and sex. This is the part of the brain where alcohol and other drugs work, which means we are tricked into believing we need more and more for survival. Nothing else then matters. We drink to live and l...