Drinking Was My "Mask of Perceived Normalcy"

Most of what I read these days is an effort to learn more about myself, about others, and about my higher power I call God. In Sacred Rest (https://www.faithwords.com/titles/dr-saundra-dalton-smith/sacred-rest/9781478921660/) Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith tells about a patient she once treated. The woman had cut her wrists.

"Large brown eyes were not looking at me; they were looking into me.... 'Do you sometimes feel invisible too?' ... I had never cut my wrist, but I was the same as her. I too was medicating my loneliness. Not through cuts and self-mutilation, but through my own vices. While she resorted to a blade, my weapon of choice left little evidence of a problem. While she sought relief in watching the blood running down her arms, I sought relief in hiding behind a mask of perceived normalcy."

Many who cut their wrists are seeking to end their numbness. Some do it for attention. I chose to hide loneliness and sadness by drinking them away, rather than slicing them away. The blood running down my arms was only an analogy of the damage I was doing to my internal organs.

A suicidal woman and I weren't so different when I was trying to drink away my pain. Her scars remain to remind her of her illness. My scars aren't quite so visible, but they are there: trips to the hospital, falls down stairs, car accidents I can't remember, the distrust from my family, the lost part-time jobs after retirement, the blackouts, the embarrassments....

God chose me to put away my suicidal knife and use my past to enhance others' futures. Without my sickness, I couldn't appreciate my wellness. I crossed a minefield to get here. I thank God for leading me across it.