Corking the Bottle

One of the blessings of my retirement is I can do pretty much whatever I want. Like yesterday, I watched a movie called Flight     ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flight_(2012_film)#Plot ) . I didn't know it was a movie about addiction until I watched it. If you haven't seen it, do. It will make your day. Denzel Washington is a pilot who heroically saves his commercial flight from crashing. Only six died instead of everyone. What the viewer knows and what a few around Denzel know is he drank vodka before and during the flight. He is hospitalized, and while there tests positive for alcohol. The results get squelched. When he is well, he visits a flight attendant who was once his friend, and his copilot who was paralyzed in the crash landing, and sweet talks them out of testifying against him. He finds a new girlfriend, a recovering heroin addict. She convinces him to attend an A.A. meeting with her. When the speaker talks about how he used to lie, Denzel's conscience...

Tom is one of my best friends ever. He was the best man in my wedding and has been a best man ever since. He emailed me a story about facing fear. To overcome addiction, we can't hide from it. We have to face fear head-on. "Remember this: God isn’t scared of what you’re scared of. But you don’t have to pretend like you’re not frightened. Naming your fear is part of getting through it."  — Levi Lusko Run Toward the Fear: Run Toward the Roar    by Levi Lusko, from  Through the Eyes of a Lion I am fascinated by the way lions hunt. I’ve read that it’s the lionesses that actually do the “lion’s share” of the work. The males are obviously incredibly intimidating, with their manes and their ferocious roars, but it’s the chicks you really have to watch out for. The fact that lionesses do not have a big, recognizable mane actually helps them sneak up on whatever they are hunting. They lie in wait, hidden in the tall grass, motionless like statues. ...

I don't hear voices in my head. Oh yea, there's the one that says, "Come on! You can drink. You will get away with it. One drink never hurt anyone." That voice has been silenced. Now I hear God. As I said, I don't hear voices in my head. But sometimes, there's some kind of something I can't ignore. At A.A. today, I spoke of the silenced voice. It is replaced with Joy. Joy comes only with God, from God, and through God. I thought I was happy before. I was. Sometimes. But happiness is a mood and, by definition, moods change. Happy comes but goes. Joy, however, comes from having a true relationship with God. Joy is forever. I can't describe the difference between happy and joyous. It's just something I feel. Even when bad things happen, my Joy remains intact because God inside me tells me everything will be all right. That is real, God-given Joy. Listen for it, My favorite song ever, Stairway to Heaven , explains: "And if you listen very ...

A man at my A.A. meeting yesterday said he used to work at a liquor store. "That was like a monkey working at a banana farm."

      Before... ...and after In my backyard, behind a six-foot fence, is a  cemented run-off ditch. It's there because my neighborhood is built on a former dairy farm and swamp, so rainwater must be drained to a nearby lake when it rains a lot. It is a right-of-way for the Metropolitan Sewer District but is the responsibility of us homeowners. I keep my part of the ditch mowed. Some others do and some others don't. Eventually the ditch is clogged with encroaching weeds, grass cuttings, and mud. I want water to flow smoothly through the ditch to prevent flooding (water reached my back porch once in 1993) and to minimize mosquito breeding.  Bear with me. There's a good analogy coming. Once in a while, I take a shovel and clean the muck out of the ditch. I  don't see anyone do that. Water from my downspouts and sump pump are piped to the ditch, and I want to prevent problems. I clean my side of the ditch. I leave it up to others to clean their s...

We all have seen and done the trust exercise. One person falls backward into another's arms. The faller must trust the catcher or else stop from falling before losing control and hitting the deck. I have been on both sides of the trust test. I am  good at falling backward, but I just now am getting the knack of catching. I used to let a lot of people bruise their butts on the floor. Figuratively speaking, that is. The saddest letdown of all was what I did to my wife. When I drank, I constantly let her down. When I lied about it and stole money from her -- those times were the worst. I let her hit the floor. But trust is coming back, little by little. She stayed with me through it all, but took my credit cards and didn't let me have more than a dollar at a time. Now I have a credit card that notifies her by phone whenever I use it. She hands me several dollars at a time, and occasionally allows me to carry enough money to buy a bottle, if I wanted to. She doesn't hid...

I lo ok forward to going to an A.A. meeting an hour from now. One thing I enjoy is the fellow ship. It's like church is supposed to be but too often isn't. I no longer have support from work colleagues; I was laid off and the company was sold. I'm not a "joiner" and so have no Moose or Elks or Brotherhood of the Beavers for companionship. I'm too poor for the country club. Thank goodness for A.A. We need others to heal, and then to stay healed. My guru, Rick Warren in The Purpose-Driven Life , advises, "If you're losing the battle against a persistent bad habit, an addiction, a temptation, and you're stuck in a repeating cycle of good intention-failure-guilt, you will not get better on your own! You need the help of other people."  ( http://purposedriven.com/books/pdlbook/ ) "...stuck in a repeating cycle of good intention-failure-guilt." I like that description. That tells exactly how it felt when I found myself in a pattern ...

My friend and his wife spent last night with us on the way to visit family in Cleveland. This friend, as a matter of fact, was the best man in my wedding 41 years ago. They told me about an inspirational adventurer and author, Eric Weihenmayer. A degenerative eye disease at birth left him blind by 13. He didn't let that barrier stop him. In fact. one of his books, about kayaking the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon is called No Barriers . Another gem is Touch the Top of the World , which tells the story of his climb to the top of Mount Everest -- the only blind person ever to do it -- and his scaling of the Seven Summits, one of only 150 people ever to make it.    https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/332900/touch-the-top-of-the-world-by-erik-weihenmayer/9780452282940/ What heights to you suppose he would have achieved if not for being blind? He accepted being sightless as a challenge to overcome, not a handicap that kept him at home. He has been an inspiration t...

"When God seem distant, you may feel he is angry with you.... It is a test of faith -- one we all must face: Will you continue to love, trust, obey, and worship God, even when you have no sense of his presence or visible evidence of his work in your life?" -- The Purpose-Driven Life   ( http://purposedriven.com/books/pdlbook/ ) God at this moment is testing someone very close to me. Such tests are part of life, I'm sorry to say. Certainly, God was testing me when I was drinking and wouldn't stop -- over and over and over. I flunked. Again and again and.... I had to keep repeating the same class, like an unrepentant school boy. It's my life, I thought, and no one will stop me if I want to drink. Not even God. If there is a God. I had my doubts. At last, I passed His test, and I pass it every day, one day at a time. My aforementioned friend faces a different kind of test of faith. Alcohol isn't involved, but similar life-changing decisions are. I pray...

Franco was a good dog. I got him at a farmers' market in Ohio just after moving to a mobile home where there was lots of room for him to run. I was living alone, and he became my best friend. One time we were walking near the creek that bordered the rural mobile home park. Franco wasn't on a leash. Something caught his attention in the brush up the creek. He perked his ears, and then started after it. "Franco!" I commanded. He stopped and looked at me. Then he looked back to the brush. Then he looked at me. Then he took off. I could see that he was weighing his options when I  told him to stop. Hmmm. Should I  return to my master's side and receive a pat on the head? Or should I run and explore an unknown something I can hear and smell? If I obey my master, I'll never know what I missed in the brush. If I chase the unknown temptation, my curiosity will be satisfied with just minor and short-lived repercussions. Sorry, master, but I'm going after th...

"I don't drink to get happy or forget the pain. I drink to stop the voices in my head."  -- Andrew Dice Clay I'm sorry for quoting a potty mouth like Dice Clay. But his words, in this instance, apply to the message I wanted to deliver to you today. I once drank because I wanted to. I didn't want to quit. When I finally came to the realization that I had to stop, I still didn't stop. I relapsed again and again. When I bought liquor, it wasn't some part of a big plan, because I was depressed, because I was celebratory, because I was hopeless, or because I was angry. I drank because the voices in my head told me to. "Come on," they said. "Prove to yourself you aren't an alcoholic." "You can just drink a little at a time and you won't get drunk." "Nobody will ever know." "You can drink only late at night and it will help you sleep better." "Don't let Kathy (my w...

I hesitated about posting to my Facebook friends I was alcoholic. I thought long and hard. What will people think of me? What do people think of alcoholics in general? A.A.'s Twelfth Step says, "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs." It dawned on me that I could do a better job carrying the message to alcoholics if people knew they could come to me for support. I added the address of this blog on Facebook so friends could read this and refer others to it. I received a huge outpouring of love and empathy as a result of sharing my disease. Facebook friends added to the number of views of this blog. I shouldn't have been so hesitant to tell others of my disease. From page 20 of the Big Book: "Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs." And from page 124: ...

I just started reading The Road Less Traveled . I read it years ago, but because the cover calls it "The Timeless Classic," I gave myself permission to read it again, especially since it was the old struggling me and not the new joyful me that read it before. The author is the late M. Scott Peck. Here is a short video that summarizes some lessons from the book.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_cuVMC7NcI In the introduction, Dr. Peck tells how slowly the first printing of his book filled shelves. Eventually, word of mouth popularized it via different routes. "One of them was Alcoholics Anonymous. Indeed, the very first fan letter I received began, 'Dear Dr. Peck, you must be an alcoholic!' The writer found it difficult to imagine that I could have written such a book without having been a long-term member of A.A. and humbled by alcoholism." I'm just a few pages into the first chapter but I like the following advice. He tells of a woman who hated her...

Message In a Bottle (Live) Lyrics by  Gillan  on album  Live Tokyo October 1978 - Shinjuku Koseinenkin Hall I was born in a bar in '45 It's sure a wonder this boy's alive I feel no pain but I'm getting so dry Take me to a brewery and leave me there to die I went to Chicago they put me in a bed I turned bright yellow they thought that I was dead For the next six months they said avoid temptation I said fine I'll drink in moderation One bottle a day - of scotland's finest If I learned to love and I learned to sing I would know a little bit of everything I put a message in a bottle I was stranded on a rock Send another gallon 'cos I'm running out of stock I can see you in my little bottle You are laughing and I am too When you're empty and I'm gone Then they will laugh And throw us both away

Step 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. The writers of the Big Book italicized those words, not I. God as we understand him must be part of sobriety or sobriety doesn't work. I find God at the root of all that I read and all that I hear at A.A. meetings. Actually, Step 3 must be a part of everyone's lives, addict or not, in order to fully understand real joy, to maneuver through life's setbacks, to overcome our flaws, and to care about others. I like to quote The Purpose-Driven Life by Rick Warren ( https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/the-purpose-driven-life-what-on-earth-am-i-here-for-by-rick-warren/247079/?mkwid=s|dc&pcrid=263432259749&pkw=&pmt=b&plc=&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIt-r-5bHv3AIVQbXACh1qcQoAEAAYBSAAEgKB8fD_BwE#isbn=0310210747&idiq=5181304 ).   But that doesn't mean I always have to agree with everything it contains. On page 101 it says, "God is pleased when our love is accurate...

This is some good stuff. It's a video of comics describing how alcohol changed their lives. For worse. A comment made on the site says, " This video inspired me to quit drinking, remove myself from toxic family and cut ties with any people associated with bad behavior. Been sober from all drugs, caffeine and sleep aids one year this last Thanksgiving." Another repentant viewer writes, "This is real as hell. Alcohol is glamorized too much. I recently got out of rehab and am looking at 2 months sober. Before I went in I got my liver tested and found out I'd be looking at death in just 2 years from failure if I didn't stop. I'm only 20 years old. If you find yourself drinking everyday take action." Take eight minutes to check it out. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs5QHWMLATI

My yard got to looking pretty bad when I was drinking. I didn't care. Sometimes I didn't have the energy to mow, so my wife had to do it after work while I watched TV and snuck some more vodka into my iced tea. Weeds grew unchecked in the shrubbery beds, and the tomatoes and peppers we planted indoors from seed went unwatered and mostly unharvested. This summer there's no bottle hidden in the house. I enjoy cherry tomatoes off the vines like candy. I stake up the plants that need support. I weed out the shrubbery beds and this afternoon, I trimmed the holly bush out front. It no longer grows wildly, and neither do I. I will let that bush grow as a tribute to sobriety. I suggest you look realistically at the debris in your yard. Clean it up. But more important, clean up the mess alcohol does to your brain.

Am I really an alcoholic? Augh, come on! Are you? Take this little test: "9 Signs of a functioning alcoholic" ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6XjguFZckA ). It's a short YouTube video, so it doesn't take any effort. Alas, I have or had all nine characteristics. Thank you, God, for helping me overcome my addiction, even if it is only for one day at a time. The narration sounds to me a lot like Ludwig von Drake. What do you think?

Until digital photography came of age, I was into 35 mm color slides; thousands and thousands of them, starting in 1974. When I got a developed box of slides back from the store, I dragged out my Bell & Howell projector and my folding screen and projected the latest chapter of my life for all to see -- if they didn't sneak out when I lowered the lights. I no longer need to project color slides but am now aware of another way I project. Sometimes I project my own shortcomings onto others instead of taking ownership of the character defects in myself. I can use my wife, Kathy, to show you what I mean about projection. She never reads my blog, so I can write whatever I want about her.  😈 My personality has changed during my attempts at sobriety, which includes A.A. meetings, therapy, and reading. I see better now my faults I wasn't aware of before. I am working on those I know about. One is a need to always be smart and right about everything. As I try to work on that...

I pray before A.A. meetings and group therapy sessions that God will help me receive relevant messages I need at the moment, and that I will be moved to share helpful words God wants someone in the room to hear and absorb. I have faith those prayers are answered. "The Bible tells us that when we plant seeds of faith in others' lives, we will have no idea how or when those seeds might actually take root and flourish. Your conversation today could lead to someone else's conversation tomorrow or next year." ( The Complete Idiot's Guide to Faith , by my high school buddy, Rev. Charles "Chuck" Moore,  https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Idiots-Guide-Faith/dp/1592574947?SubscriptionId=AKIAJ2F6RDUSIYCWQMFQ&tag=sa-b2c-new-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=1592574947 ) Case in point: A few weeks ago in my group discussion at Better Alternatives Counseling in Louisville, we got into discussion of a member's recent loss ...

Being an alcoholic can be a gift. Yeah, that's right. Wrap it up and tie it with a nice little bow. You have the power to turn a curse, like being a fall-down drunk, into a blessing from God. Theresa, at my home group A.A. meeting, said, "It's not what happens to me. It's what I do with what happens to me." Like makin' a silk purse from a sow's ear, I guess. We get stuck sometimes holding that sow's yucky ear. God probably didn't drop it into our laps. We went Van Gogh on that poor piggie all on our own free will. So what are you going to make from your sow's ear? I like to quote The Purpose-Driven Life ( https://www.goodreads.com/author/list/711.Rick_Warren ). "God also planned where you'd be born and where you'd live for his purpose. Your race and nationality are no accident.... He planned it all for his purpose." He also gives us free will. We can pawn the mower we stole from our neighbor's garage, we can hav...

"Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be all right, and the determined choice to praise God in all things."  -- Kay Warren, Choose Joy ( http://kaywarren.com/choosejoy/ ) How comforting! To know that God is in control of my life, to be confident everything will be all right, to choose to keep in touch with God. You know, that sounds better than getting drunk and passing out in the living room. Been there, done that. But how do I move beyond the "old me?" Even if we are convinced change is necessary, so is patience. You can't demand patience to arrive right away. Change takes time, but is well worth the wait. The Big Book comes with appendices that I  overlooked for a long time. The second, called "Spiritual Awareness," cautions, " ...Our first printing gave many readers the impression that these personality changes, or religious experien...

Excuse me, but I disagree with something. In the book Staying Sober -- A Guide for Relapse Prevention , by Terrence Gorski and Merlene Miller, the authors seem to be saying that why we drink doesn't matter. Just attack the problem itself. "Searching for the cause of an addiction (such as emotional or family problems) is usually nonproductive. Treatment that recognizes the addiction as a primary condition rather than a symptom of something else, has been found to be most effective."  ( https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/293618.Staying_Sober ) My symptom is alcoholism. The disease is self-centeredness, unfulfilled dreams, regrets, and other character defects. As I work through my character defects, I will eliminate the resulting symptom. Let me draw an analogy. My car started going kerlunk kerlunk kertwottle. I couldn't solve the problem unless I knew the cause. Well, I never would figure out the cause unless I took it to an expert. The mechanic looked, diagnosed...

We pray the Lord's prayer. We hold hands in a circle and repeat it after most A.A. meetings. We say it every Sunday in church. When I was little, we said it before each school day began. But did you ever notice that there's a catch to it? Everything is asked straightforward: Give us our daily bread, don't lead us into temptation, deliver us from evil. Right in the middle is a scary action item for us , a do-this-for-me-and-I-will-do-this-for-you deal we make with God. "And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." In the Presbyterian church where I grew up, we replace "trespasses" with "debts." It seems like Presbyterians are worried about money we owe and others owe us. Un-Presbyterians promise to obey God's "No Trespassing!" signs, the same as we allow others into our yards.  "Trespasses" and "debts" don't get to the main issue here. Don't we really mean, "F...

I heard a riddle at today's A.A. speakers meeting. How many alcoholics does it take to change a lightbulb? One. He just holds it and the world turns around him! I find that particularly humorous in light of one of my character defects I have identified and work to change every day -- self-centeredness. According to Freud, "Whoever loves becomes humble. Those who love have, so to speak, pawned a part of their narcissism." If I pawned my narcissism, I have yet to receive any cash for it, which suggests I am still hanging on to some of it. When I was lying in intensive care after drinking so much I was unresponsive on the floor, a social worker told me about A.A. and gave me a list of local meetings. I told her thanks, but no thanks. What I didn't tell her was that I knew the kind of people who attend A.A. meetings, and I'm not one of them. I have a college degree. I retired after being a professional for 35 years. I have a nice home and never have lived in a...

"Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the the very thing which makes life seem so worth while to us now. Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have -- the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them." --The Big Book page 124 I am grateful for my dark past. No, I'm not masochistic. It's just that we learn more from our losses than from our victories. Fortunately, my dark past only goes back 10 years or so, not somewhere along life's road miles before I came to this rest stop. Yesterday, I received a 90-day token at my AA home group meeting! I've been here before, but never with the joy I have discovered sober this time around. If I hadn't driven through the dark past, I never would have come to know myself and how to repair the damage I caused to myself and others. Only because I had bad times did I find God and pray for His will to be don...

At last, I came out of the closet yesterday. No, not that closet. I have been married -- to a woman -- for 41 years. My closet is filled with empties. I finally worked up the courage to tell my 400-plus Facebook friends that I am a recovering alcoholic. I shared the address of this website in hopes of reaching more people who need reached. I received many positive responses so far. I feel like I am loved, even by people I went to school with and haven't seen in decades. Thank you, dear friends. If you, like me, have been timid about admitting an addiction problem, I would urge you to come clean, based on my experience. I figured if someone doesn't understand my disease and wants to pass judgement against me, that is no big loss. I pray for them and hope alcoholism never darkens their family's doorstep. If this is your first time reading my blog, I refer you to the last post I wrote yesterday. It tells my story of how I fell victim to the booze bottle. Prayers for ...

The following is the first post on this blog. I am repeating it because it explains how I started abusing alcohol and how I am recovering one day at a time. I am an unusual drunk. I never drank as a kid. As a young and middle-aged adult, I drank socially; yeah, sometimes too much, but I wasn't thinking about my next drink afterward. I had a wonderful childhood raised by teetotalling parents who loved each other and taught me to love. I was a straight-A student. I decided in high school to become a journalist and took advantage of writing opportunities in and outside of school. I landed a part-time sports writing job at our county newspaper. This led to a full-paid scholarship based on writing ability. I graduated a year early, got a job as news bureau manager in my mother's hometown where I still had lots of relatives, and jumped into work even before my commencement exercises. I married my childhood sweetheart at the same time I started a public relations job, where my s...