A Truth Ache Is a Painful Hole to Fill

We all have seen and done the trust exercise. One person falls backward into another's arms. The faller must trust the catcher or else stop from falling before losing control and hitting the deck.

I have been on both sides of the trust test. I am  good at falling backward, but I just now am getting the knack of catching. I used to let a lot of people bruise their butts on the floor.

Figuratively speaking, that is.

The saddest letdown of all was what I did to my wife. When I drank, I constantly let her down. When I lied about it and stole money from her -- those times were the worst. I let her hit the floor.

But trust is coming back, little by little. She stayed with me through it all, but took my credit cards and didn't let me have more than a dollar at a time. Now I have a credit card that notifies her by phone whenever I use it. She hands me several dollars at a time, and occasionally allows me to carry enough money to buy a bottle, if I wanted to. She doesn't hide my car keys any more.

That still doesn't translate into trustingly falling backward into my arms. I don't blame her. I violated her trust many times, then lied about it. In my defense, if I had been honest, she would have been angry, yelled, thrown things, and verbally abused me and my weakness. So I lied. I snuck. I cheated. I drank. I lost trust.

"The glue that holds all relationships together...is trust, and trust is based on integrity."  -- Brian Tracy

I blew the integrity part, which led to the loss of the trust part.

The only tool I have to get back trust is time. I haven't figured out how to control time or control when her full trust may return. I committed the crime and now do the time.

"It takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it. -- unknown

Unfortunately, it may take eons to get back the trust I destroyed. That is up to her, not to me. On the plus side, she never relinquished all trust in me, or else I would be living in a box someplace. She trusted that one day I would get a handle on my disease and defeat it; that one day we would find the love we used to share.

We're getting there. But not every spouse can overlook every sin and come to forgive and forget. Is there a relationship there worth saving? Thank God that in my case, my wife decided our relationship was important enough to be patient with me and (somehow) I would gain back her full trust and love. Someday.

I guess every couple is different, and so too is every relationship, every reaction, and every bad deed. It comes down to prayer and a glimmer of hope that the spouse will return to his or her senses. The road is long and twisting. Never lose sight of the destination. Can you make it back there again?