Silencing the Nasty Voices In My Head

"I don't drink to get happy or forget the pain. I drink to stop the voices in my head."  -- Andrew Dice Clay

I'm sorry for quoting a potty mouth like Dice Clay. But his words, in this instance, apply to the message I wanted to deliver to you today.

I once drank because I wanted to. I didn't want to quit. When I finally came to the realization that I had to stop, I still didn't stop. I relapsed again and again. When I bought liquor, it wasn't some part of a big plan, because I was depressed, because I was celebratory, because I was hopeless, or because I was angry.

I drank because the voices in my head told me to.

"Come on," they said. "Prove to yourself you aren't an alcoholic."

"You can just drink a little at a time and you won't get drunk."

"Nobody will ever know."

"You can drink only late at night and it will help you sleep better."

"Don't let Kathy (my wife) control you and your alcohol consumption."

"You can hide the bottle where Kathy will never find it."

"If you have to go somewhere, a drink now and then won't affect your driving."

"Just because you passed out and blacked out before doesn't mean you will again this time."

Those voices are now gone. Thank you, God, for replacing the voices of temptation with the voice of truth. Literally, I argued with myself about drinking. I found lots of reasons why it would be okay if I did. But it never was okay. I fell into the hazy pit every time. I relapsed, or slipped if that's what you want to call it.

Relapses lasted only two to four days or so, depending on how soon I realized the voices lied. Then I detoxed, promised myself I never would go there again, and a month or two later the voices led me to that dark pit all over.

I talked to counselors, one on one and in groups. I listened to messages of struggle and triumph at A.A. meetings. I took prescription drugs until I found the right combination that made me feel good without drinking. (The latest is Antabuse, which I am told will make me very sick if the voices lead me to the trough again.)

At last, it is God's voice I hear, "leading me not into temptation, but delivering me from evil." I believe God is answering me when I am "praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out" (Step 12).

The voices that always lied are now silent.