How to Not Bell-&-Howell Your Faults to Others
(Reprinted from my blog post August 11, 2018)
Until digital photography came of age, I was into 35 mm color slides; thousands and thousands of them, starting in 1974. When I got a developed box of slides back from the store, I dragged out my Bell & Howell projector and my folding screen and projected the latest chapter of my life for all to see -- if they didn't sneak out when I lowered the lights.
I no longer need to project color slides but am now aware of another way I project. Sometimes I project my own shortcomings onto others instead of taking ownership of the character defects in myself. I can use my wife, Kathy, to show you what I mean about projection. She never reads my blog, so I can write whatever I want about her. 😈
My personality has changed during my attempts at sobriety, which includes A.A. meetings, therapy, and reading. I see better now my faults I wasn't aware of before. I am working on those I know about. One is a need to always be smart and right about everything.
As I try to work on that flaw in me, I see many times that Kathy shows off the same characteristic. She jumps on me with corrections and opinions and negative ways people (like her) perceive me. I tried to argue before, but I was merely giving life to a trait in me I wanted to dispose of.
Now I try to tell myself it doesn't matter who is right and wrong, especially the stupid trivial things. My role as a husband is to build her up, not wreck her. If I can let her think she is right, even if she isn't, I can help build her self-esteem and my character. That's much better than telling her nya-nya nya-nya-nya, you were wrong!
Not every annoyance we find in others is a result of our own projection. But unless you dig up the root of your criticism, you may be leaving your own faults buried, fertilized, and growing.
We all are guilty sometimes of projecting our negative traits onto others. Awakening in Time by Jacquelyn Small spells it out for us (https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1031979.Awakening_in_Time):
"...when we are perceiving someone else as 'our problem,' we may need to sit with our emotions for awhile and contemplate how we might have helped to bring the situation on ourselves....perhaps we have a similar habit but can only see it in that 'other.' In the end we may come to the conclusion that the other person was negligent in some way, but we'll be better able to resolve the issue if
we can articulate the part for which we are responsible."
Until digital photography came of age, I was into 35 mm color slides; thousands and thousands of them, starting in 1974. When I got a developed box of slides back from the store, I dragged out my Bell & Howell projector and my folding screen and projected the latest chapter of my life for all to see -- if they didn't sneak out when I lowered the lights.
I no longer need to project color slides but am now aware of another way I project. Sometimes I project my own shortcomings onto others instead of taking ownership of the character defects in myself. I can use my wife, Kathy, to show you what I mean about projection. She never reads my blog, so I can write whatever I want about her. 😈
My personality has changed during my attempts at sobriety, which includes A.A. meetings, therapy, and reading. I see better now my faults I wasn't aware of before. I am working on those I know about. One is a need to always be smart and right about everything.
Now I try to tell myself it doesn't matter who is right and wrong, especially the stupid trivial things. My role as a husband is to build her up, not wreck her. If I can let her think she is right, even if she isn't, I can help build her self-esteem and my character. That's much better than telling her nya-nya nya-nya-nya, you were wrong!
Not every annoyance we find in others is a result of our own projection. But unless you dig up the root of your criticism, you may be leaving your own faults buried, fertilized, and growing.
We all are guilty sometimes of projecting our negative traits onto others. Awakening in Time by Jacquelyn Small spells it out for us (https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1031979.Awakening_in_Time):
"...when we are perceiving someone else as 'our problem,' we may need to sit with our emotions for awhile and contemplate how we might have helped to bring the situation on ourselves....perhaps we have a similar habit but can only see it in that 'other.' In the end we may come to the conclusion that the other person was negligent in some way, but we'll be better able to resolve the issue if
we can articulate the part for which we are responsible."
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